In Memory of 2014...

In one of the very old episodes of Grey's Anatomy, there was a stupid patient (believe me, that show has the most stupid patients. It had better not be a mirror of real life). This patient and his moron best friend were reenacting World War11 in their garage, so they built a bazooka. Somewhere along the line, of course it hurt one of them. It wasn't until a paramedic's hand was inside the victim's chest did they realize the bullet wasn't through and through; no exit wound. That meant at any point it could explode and blow them all into into a billion pieces. Panic, evacuation and all the usual expected stuff followed. Bottom-line, there were two people--paramedic and anesthesiologist--left in the O.R at a point, while others were strategizing somewhere else. Most people were evacuated. Some others played heroes and insisted on staying around. Then a conversation ensued between the paramedic and the anesthesiologist.

"Pink Mist." The anesthesiologist said.

"That's what the bomb squads call people who get blown up by bombs. A human being blown up into shreds, reduced to just a fluid, such that finding a finger would even be difficult."  He continued, to the dismay of the already shaken 22 year female paramedic.

After which he carefully showed her how to manually release oxygen into the victim, carefully explained the pace at which she should release and hold back carefully. Then he slowly walked out of the room.

"Dr. Milton!" She called out, as soon as she realized he was leaving her alone...with her hand clasped to a bullet in a man's chest.

"I have kids." He said, without any guilt and walked right away.


My 2014 was...wait, how do I encapsulate all of 2014 in just a few words? I have tried at different instances to write this post within the past week, but failed at doing so. In retrospect, my major challenge was to try not to sound gloomy and pessimistic. I was afraid of painting a terrible 2014. When in reality, 2014 wasn't bad. It wasn't what I wanted it to be, but it sure was not terrible. In my last post of 2013, I spoke about the fear that took hold of me for the most part of that year. Well, some of those fears did play out in my life in 2014.  2014 started out with me being enthusiastic, expectant, full of hope and excitement of what was to come. Unfortunately, in just a matter of weeks, reality set in. Man, was I disappointed or nah? I was disappointed, angry and bitter against myself, because I thought I had failed. My supposed 'biggest' plan for the year had come crumbling, and the year was just starting. What was worse? I felt I could have set things right earlier in my undergrad by putting more efforts, and be the star student I very much had the potential to be. But no, I slacked off, I was lackadaisical, and blamed everything else but myself (I finished undergrad well BTW, I just wished I had done much more better.) Now, three years (wow! I finished undergrad 3 years ago! Tiny me lol) later, it came biting back indirectly. Nobody blamed me or anything, if anything my family and friends supported me. So instead of anger, and self pity, I went back to the drawing board--Oh, am I blessed with a great Daddy or what? He encouraged me to try other options, literally helped me with these options, we re-strategized, agreed that I might have over-reached at first, and made necessary amendments. And Bam! Excellent results came trickling in...from places I least expected. I am currently doing what I enjoy. That, by the way is a blessing.

You see, my life has this sequence I like to call 'annoying'; I desperately want a particular thing, ask God for it, hope for it so much, and then not get it. Talk about shattered dreams. I go through the anger phase, withdrawal phase, and then God just surprises me with something else. He always come through. I literally took a pause a minute ago to reflect, and I found there has never been a time he didn't come through. Not once. But, somehow when a challenge comes my way, I develop amnesia and forget that this God always comes through. Somehow, I always forget. Always. If we all had mottos for our lives, mine would be "God is on my side." This sequence became so annoying that at a point, I decided altogether to stop dreaming and hoping for stuff; to just go with the flow. That way, I would have no expectations. But NO, life doesn't/shouldn't work that way. Life would be so boring if we had all the answers.

"...The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does."

In everything though, from unmet expectations, to health scares, to outright failures, to disappointments, there is a lesson for all of us in those trials. But beyond these lessons, there are always reasons to thank God. Fortunately for me, I didn't deal with as much fear as I did in 2013. I was too busy living out my fears. I learnt many lessons in 2014. The most important one is that God is with me.

"The Lord is rebuilding Jerusalem and bringing the exiles back to Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds."

2014 taught me that you are not  'good' until you've had to choose between good and bad choices and chose 'good'.  This point leads me to my next; just because you are seemingly good or you made all the good choices, that's not a direct guarantee for a good life. For instance, who are you to think because you have lived a 'sinless' life, you can't fall ill? You are no better than that person who died on a plane crash or who fell ill or that person whose life is just outrightly crappy. Who are you to question God?

I found that as much as I have control over all my actions and decisions, I have no control over what others do, think or feel.  Human beings will always be just that, human beings.  For a 'control freak', that's devastating news. However, I am fine knowing I still have absolute control over how I react to other people's actions. I confirmed I really am a control freak; I obsess over myself and situations. But that's great because that means everything I do is very carefully thought out.

2014 was the year of Shoki! (I am crazy about this dance lmao). 2014 was the year I moved to a new city, which I am still learning to fall in love with. 2014 was not perfect but it was good. It took some unexpected turns for me, but they were just the appropriate turns in hindsight. I did not lack anything this year. I am thankful for my family and friends; no one is sick or dying. I am the worst at comforting people. When my friend lost her Dad many years ago, I was at loss for words. It wasn't that I didn't want to comfort her, it was that I had absolutely nothing to say. In dire situations, I am the worst, as I never know what to say or how to say what I want to say. So, what did I start to do? I started to pray much more for my family, friends and their families. I don't want to have to give a condolence call or visit. Thank Jesus. I'm immensely grateful for my health; goodness gracious. My name is Ifeoluwa Olawole and I do not take the grace of God for granted.  Mid year, my doctor scared me to death (almost literally) lol! But thank God, it was just that, a scare. Nothing more. Again, God took care of me. Despite a rough semester, my first semester of grad school was ah!mazing. Again, I came hard on myself for not having a perfect semester gpa, but screw perfection, excellence is just as great lol. Besides, my sister took care of that by having a 4.0 gpa for the second time in a row. Her success is my success too. Lol.


So, how dare I say 2014 was not fantastic? Because of some hiccups here and there?  Pfft. I don't exactly remember the picture I put up on my BBM that caused it, but recently a friend of mine sent me a message: "The family you have, you are a lucky woman." I like to think I am not lucky, I am just immensely blessed.  Blessed with the perfect gift of my family. My siblings gave me the best gifts this year. One gave me an app on my phone earlier this year, which kept me company on lonely nights in The District without any family or friend. The other gave me the gift towards the end of the year, in form of a preacher, whom I have been listening to nights and days. So much that I feel I have all it takes to conquer 2015. Am I blessed or am I blessed? Speaking of blessing, I completed the entire bible in a year. A milestone that was demanding and challenging but fulfilling.

In 2015, I want to map out every single thing. I want to take control every situation, I want to live more intentionally. I am still wary of spontaneity. "You can't get rid of all the stress in the world, but you can learn how to better cope with it." I want to learn more of that in the coming year.

Remember the story I started with? Was Dr. Milton selfish to have left? I don't think so. Ok, maybe just a little bit. However, I want to be selfish in 2015. Yeah, you read that right. At least you have been warned. I want to think of myself more, and do things just for me. No more catering to anybody's ego, or pampering anybody's feelings, or playing dumb just so some other person can feel better about themselves. Nope. I am done.

"Though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!"

Bring it on 2015, my faith still remains unwavering.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

"May our barns be filled with crops of every kind. May the flocks in our fields multiply by the thousands, even tens of thousands, and may our oxen be loaded down with produce. May there be no enemy breaking through our walls, no going into captivity, no cries of alarm in our town squares."

Love,
I