On Setting High Standards...

If you ask me, na who I go ask? I was on my own, minding my business like I promised to. Ok then, I thought to do my Instagram gbeborun* for the day: scroll through my timeline, check out notifications to see who is liking whose picture, who is getting engaged, and who is updating their profiles with ‘booking info’—more on booking info gist later. Anyway, I opened my Instagram, and what did I see? Somebody had spewed something preposterous as a caption to a picture she uploaded. Now before I go on, I promise you this is not an attack on the person, but on the idea. I am not blaming the messenger here, but the message itself. The messenger is actually my friend, so if you are reading this, trust me, we are cool. No hard feelings.

Sidebar: I once read an interview of Chimamada Adichie, where she said in order to be a good writer, you have to just write and forget that your family and friends will  read it. If you keep writing with the thought of your family and friends’ impressions on what you write, you will never write anything. I definitely know what she means. I can’t be doing this all the time; apologizing in advance. So family and friends, if you see something on this blog or elsewhere written by me, love it or hate it, it probably is what I am actually thinking anyway. No attack against your person. Okay? Okay. Let’s move on.

So I saw this comment made by a female on Instagram. I hope to God this isn't what we are passing on to the younger generation now. I see a lot of stuff I disagree with on cyberspace, but not every time talk, sometimes shut up. This was an exception. I just could not shut up.

She wrote:

...Ask any woman what kinda love she wants from a man, and it will sound something like this: I want him to be humble and smart, fun and romantic, sensitive and gentle and above all supportive. I want him to look in my eyes and tell me I'm beautiful and that i complete him...I want a man who is vulnerable enough to cry when he's hurting, a man who will introduce me to his mother with on his face...blablabla #smile well expecting that kinda love from A man—that’s perfection, it's unrealistic.

Then I replied her:

...That's not perfection. All those are normal qualities some guys actually have. I don't know about the tears part lol, but all the others are valid characteristics every girl with self esteem should desire. As far as I know. In my opinion.

Now, I agree I might have overreached by saying 'every' girl should have such expectations about men. I think that's wrong. It's ok to not have high expectations,  or even consider them necessary, BUT those are not impossible qualities. Are they?

Anyway, she replied:

...Lol...you are right! Nice body, lots of money, expensive shoes without scuffs...that should be great too innit? He should love children, be willing to change diapers, wash dishes too and other lil chores right? @ife_0 Yoruba peeps will say 'o ti so oko e di gbewu dani.' Talking about 'girls with self esteem' though! Every woman deserves love @ife_0 but our love isn't like theirs. All of the aforementioned isn't realistic in a singular man Lol. You wan kill that man???? That 'self esteem' has done nothing but ruined some many women today. That is why they jump from one church to another waiting for pastors....to prophesy to them that their husband is on the way. (She ends it with some complicated Igbo/pidgin English)

I take a lot of pride in knowing and understanding much more Yoruba than most people in my generation, but even that phrase is above my pay grade. Lol. I am guessing it means something along the lines of enslaving your husband. Notwithstanding, I responded again:

...I'm sorry but how is wanting your husband to be supportive, sensitive, gentle, smart, fun, and romantic unrealistic? As far as I know, if women aren't all too willing to give themselves to any kind of low life who calls himself a guy, this is absolutely okay. These are things a normal gentleman will possess. If a guy knows your worth, he will respect you. These are facts. Hard proven facts. But how do you expect a guy to respect someone who wouldn't even respect themselves? Forget what you heard, there are men like this. they are not far fetched. Plus men are not some kind of prize that a woman would need to hop from church to church to find. A woman can be fine without a man, there's no rush. The right one will eventually come. So because a woman wants a man, she should make herself a doormat to be disrespected by a man?

She probably replied with some more garbage, but I was done. In retrospect, I might have taken it a little too far. However, I believe she made some very archaic points, and with so much confidence too. In all fairness, examine those qualities she mentioned, are they so unattainable? Aren't they just qualities that make a person human? I just don't get it. Then the last straw that broke the camel's back just had to be her implying that many women end up single because they have 'self-esteem.'  See, I am not one to castigate a woman who wants marriage. I believe in marriage, and very much so. I want to get married someday, the older I become, the more I actually look forward to it. But if marriage means becoming a doormat, or having someone treat you with so much disrespect? Nah uh. It's interesting I am the one to make this argument because I honestly don't have a long list of qualities my future husband MUST have. I have the basics (the most important) and that's it. Plus I am known for advocating 'settling'. However, I think it is absolutely fine to have as much standards as you possibly can (I mean with common sense). The problem is when you want so much, but have absolutely nothing to offer.

Aspire to whatever the hell you like, but like they say in Yoruba, “Bi eeyan ba ma je opolo, ko kuku je eyi to leyin.”** If you are going to get married, you might as well get married to a good person. Or isn't it a lifetime arrangement?

Last, but certainly not the least, we need to teach the younger generation that having standards isn't arrogance or pride. We also need to teach our sons how to treat women. After all, you don't call a person delusional if they aspire to be CEO or President, why then should you call someone delusional because the person aspires to be with a man/woman who respects them? The truth is that there is probably a higher chance of you getting married to a great person than you becoming the president. The truth is bitter.

Love,

I

*The act of being nosey

**If you're going to eat a frog, you should at least eat one with eggs: literal translation.

**What is worth doing, is worth doing well: metaphoric translation.