What's in a Legacy? On Life and How We Want to Be Remembered

What is in a legacy?

How do you want to be remembered? 

Everyone's heard it now: Charlie Kirk was brutally murdered on Wednesday, September 10. And events that followed will probably be stuff worthy of history's retelling. However you feel about him and his murder is one of the more contentious issues of this week (month? year?). I will leave that to you.

In hours that followed when he was first killed, people took to social media and expressed all kinds of things. As with most things that are the rave, I wanted to stay out of this one. I just vehemently believe that one does not need to have an opinion about everything. Then I saw too many people, Nigerians especially (some of whom I even respect), glorify an idea that was at best incomplete and at worst a complete lie. 

Too often, lies speed, jump, hop, but truth just comes crawling behind and it's left to us to push it a little. So I wrote the below.

The Myth of Being 'Too Late' in Life

 This post is inspired by another post I saw on a Mommy Page on Instagram. The poster said:

"I turn 40 today and instead of feeling joyful, I find myself feeling a little wistful. I didn't get married early and now here I am, caring for a toddler and a newborn at a time when many of my mates are hitting different life milestones. While I'm grateful for my journey, there are moments I feel like I should be in a different space by now...pursuing something more. It's hard sometimes, doing motherhood alongside women in their late 20s or early 30s. I celebrate them, of course, but if I'm being honest, it messes with my mind. I question whether I'm behind in life. I know every journey is different but today I just need to hear from other mums. Can anyone share some words of encouragement with me?"

When I first saw this, perhaps it was being stuck at the airport somewhere in Europe, almost missing my connecting flight, but I was just incensed. I went back to read it a few days after and while I empathized a bit more, I still had strong feelings about it.

"My Boyfriend Hates My Hair, What Should I do?": On Black Womanhood and Hair as Resistance

Y'all, we got published! 

I can't believe I am just posting about this here but life happens.  I wrote an essay for The Progressive Magazine; not surprisingly I wrote about feminism and hair, two things I love! 

I wrote about Feminism, and how important it is to remind every little girl you know that changing who she is or “making sacrifices” for a boy is not what God intended for her.

I wrote about hair. But not in the way you think. 

I had read about this little girl whose boyfriend “hates her hair.” Each time I have to type out these words, I throw up a little in my mouth. In any case, I give Kamsi an answer to the question she asked. But before that, I try to provide a bit more context for her so she sees what damage patriarchy has done. I remind her she’s fighting against not just her silly, little boyfriend, but an entire system designed to remind us Black girls that left to them, we would never be enough. So, we must NEVER leave it to them.

Here is the full essay, as published on The Progressive below:

In Defense of Church

On a The View  episode over a year ago, there was a conversation about the rise in senseless shooting in America. This past week alone, there were two mass shootings. Knowing this country as well as I think I do, I have a feeling there will be more posts on this blog about the senselessness of guns so buckle up. It's a hard conversation, not because there is no solution (it's a very very easy solution at that), but because we are afraid. Afraid of sending our kids to school. Afraid of going to the mall. Or the grocery store. Or the club. Or the wrong house. Or the wrong driveway. Shoot, we are afraid to live, it looks like. But conversation for another time. 

In the panel discussion I reference above, Sara Haines talked about the rise of porn, violent video games, and decrease in church attendance. She got a lot of flak for it in the comment section. I think it may have been because this requires a lot of nuance. It's not that she is wrong. Those things are problematic and destructive of people's minds all around. The real elephant in the room is that these things are happening in many other countries and yet, there are no mass shootings in those places. Which suggests that one problem we have is...guns. But a particular segment of our leaders has been bought and paid for by the ghoulish NRA. So, again conversation for another time.

A Hopeless Saturday Gives Way to a Joyous Sunday: What Easter Means to Me

I had a different post planned out for this week. But it's Easter. Well, Easter Monday in saner climes. In America, no one really cares. 

In any case, Happy Easter! 

I know Christmas is the big deal to everyone. But Easter is just as much of a big deal too. It's Easter!

Breaking Records, Breaking Chains: How Cory Booker's 25-Hour Speech Outlasted Hate

When Senator Booker started his quest to disrupt the Senate for "as long as I am physically able" one week ago, most people didn't pay him a lot of mind. After twenty-five hours, they didn't have a choice. Everyone was talking about it. What am I talking about? I'm talking about Cory Booker standing on the Senate floor for over twenty-five hours in a record breaking event. On Monday, March 31st, he took the Senate floor and began a speech condemning this current administration's cruel and inhumane policies. He did not sleep. He did not eat. He did not use the restroom.  In the end, It surpassed the previous record set in 1957 by segregationist Senator Strom Thurmond, who filibustered for 24 hours and 18 minutes to oppose the Civil Rights Act. So it was that Senator Booker started the speech at 7PM on Monday and told us he would use his time to disrupt the normal business of the U.S. Senate as long as he was physically able.  

Fight Fight Fight: Resisting Fascism and the Tyranny of Fear

Every time another policy is implemented or there is a rhetoric out there from America’s political right with a unique purpose to dehumanize people and strip them of their dignity, what angers me the most is that these people do it in the name of the Lord. It angers me to measures I can’t possibly describe. 

When I woke up in Nairobi on November 6, 2024, and saw this man won the election again, I was in disbelief. I was terrified. I knew of the impending danger. And yet, even I didn’t think it would be this despicable. In less than three weeks, they have unleashed terror like never before imagined. He has made himself king. He has put such cracks on the foundations of our democratic institutions that sometimes I pinch myself to ask if this is still America. All of this is done with an intention. So much so that I’ve seen people just give up. I’ve watched colleagues live with fear. I’ve seen people lose hope. Our Democratic elected leaders also took too much time to lick their wounds. Too many lives will be impacted. Too many people are confused. I didn’t understand either, why it seemed like evil was winning. Why it seemed like the wicked was prospering. Why it seemed like the wicked enjoyed a life of ease while the marginalized, the oppressed, the voiceless continued to suffer.

In Which I Convince You That Kamala Harris Is The Right Choice

I voted today (It's a Sunday as I begin to write this) and I joked on Instagram that there is a wild part to this. 

We voted for who could be the FIRST (Black, Indian) FEMALE PRESIDENT of this democratic experiment called America. In which case, history will be made. OR this may very well be the last "elections" of this democratic experiment, which renders it over. So, history.  Either way, history.

I don't know who specifically this post is targeted towards but listen/read up, please. I can't make a pitch to a Trump voter. I'm good but I'm not THAT good.  I will attempt to make a pitch (I made an earlier one here) to so-called undecided voters or to those who have decided to abstain or who have chosen apathy or worse, those who want to vote for the fraud called Jill Stein. I know you are angry and frustrated and maybe change is not moving fast enough for you. But progress is SLOW.  Real progress is not speedy...it builds incrementally. So of course, there is more work to do. This is not a perfect union, and it will never be. This is a simple reminder that needs to be said.

There will also never be a perfect candidate. But to the extent that one can be qualified, Kamala Harris is. She was the Attorney General of California, a Senator, and is now the sitting Vice President.  With all these qualifications, they still call her a DEI hire. It's the lines misogynoir colors. It's the way it flattens you into your identity while decrying you for embracing that same identity. Throughout this entire campaign I have not heard Kamala Harris ONCE say, "vote for me because I'm Black or because I'm Indian or because I'm a woman or because I'm all of those things". She has instead touted her experience, qualifications, and skills. She has promised to be president for ALL. So here is what I will say to anyone calling her a DEI hire: I dare you to take the California bar exam and pass. DARE.  

Oh What a Season: How the 2024 Olympics Made Me Feel

Let's talk Olympics! 

To be honest, I didn't watch much of it. The games just always happened around work time  (time difference  between here and Paris, and all) but of course, there were moments that you'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about. I've jokingly written about the benefits of sports before but Olympics is all of that on steroids. There is something about the EXCELLENCE on display; the fortitude; the resilience that just have you plugged in, whether because you catch up on all the games or, like me, you read about them after. So, let's take a minute to talk about the Olympics, shall we? 

NIGHT NIGHT!!!

Joe Biden Exited the Presidential Race: So What? Now What?

Ah Jeez. I wrote this elaborate post the other day about the two candidates before you. 

Y'all.

Here we are. The last 48 hours. Here we are. 

Sunday (the day before yesterday) afternoon feels like one of those days where you will always remember where you were when you heard the "news". 

And so it happened that Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race. There is a LOT to unpack about everything that's happened. I know that no one needs my analysis. I have nothing new to say apart from what everyone and their mamas already said. Yet, I feel a gnawing to just say something here; perhaps because I made this whole case for Joe Biden just two posts ago. I think the main reason why it always feels so odd to be quiet in monumental times like this is akin to what Toni Morrison once said:

This is precisely the time when artists go to work

There is no time for despair

No place for self-pity

No need for silence

No room for fear

We speak

We write

We do language

This is how civilizations heal

There Are Two Candidates Before You

It feels really weird to be quiet about an election with so much stakes for our lives and for our country. There is a cloud of noise out there so I'm going to put this as simply as possible. So here goes. There are two candidates — whatever hangups you have about there being only two choices, you have to get over. Sorry. So, yes, there are two candidates. 

On Finding Happiness: Worry, Mindset, and Stuff

There is a verse in the Bible—and I know I’ve lost you from that but walk with me, okay?—that implores us to consider the lilies and how they grow. They don’t labor or spin. They just are. And then in an interesting metaphor, that passage goes on to say even Solomon in all his splendor—and boy did that dude have a LOT of splendor—was not nearly as splendor-filled as lilies. 

You can see where I’m going, right?

Ha.

There is a lot of pain in this world. There is a LOT of it. You know it, I know it. You have it, I have it. Part of what makes us alive, part of what makes us living, breathing things is that we inevitably have some pain. That we have some challenges. What sets us apart from each other—well, apart from generational wealth, participants in varying systems of just and unjust governments, and luck—is the mindset with which we approach these problems. If this is getting to the part where it sounds like a cliché, just walk with me, please. I once heard the famous therapist, Lori Gottlieb, say something so profound. And then when I read her book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone—and everyone should read this PHENOMENAL BOOK—I read the expanded version. In essence, the point her therapist through her made was everyone is going to have to feel pain. Life happens. You lose your job. You get a divorce. You hate your job. You hate your spouse. You can’t have kids. You can’t find a spouse. You run out of money. And these are the ones that are technically fixable, never mind the life-shattering, life-altering pains. There are then little pains on top of the main, heavy pains. So that will happen. But you actually don’t have to suffer. While you cannot really choose the pain, you can most definitely choose the suffering. 

Why We Must Get Involved in Local Elections

All politics is local. You’ve probably heard that so much that it’s lost its meaning. And in today’s world, with all the insanity that exists within our politics, it almost tempting to think that no longer applies. It’s almost tempting to block it all out. But it’s never been more important to understand how the national frenzies making headlines can have implications for state and local governments. It’s never been more important to hold space for the politics happening around us as much as those making national headlines. How do local policy decisions affect citizens? Although the obsession and overwhelming consumption the soap opera-like nature of our presidential elections obscures and consumes everything else, much of the decisions about our health, schools, neighborhoods are determined by local elections.

The "Difficult" Black Woman: Understanding The Hostility Towards Amanda Seales

Hollywood is a weird place. Some might even call it evil. It makes sense then to consider it a waste of time writing or, frankly, commenting about their every whim and caprice. And yet, such is the case that almost everything finds its way back to that awful ecosystem. So, you kind of find yourself talking about them no matter how much you deliberately avoid them.

Today, let’s talk about Amanda Seales.

Now, if you think this will be the typical rant against her and how awful you think she is, you will be wrong. I am neither here nor there about Amanda Seales. I agree with her on some of her stances. Others, I find a bit too reductive. You know, same way I would view someone who I don’t know personally. So, there is that.

But Lord, this woman gets all the hate. She is awful. She is mean. She is this. She is that. Oh, her voice is screeching. She is difficult to work with. It must be exhausting being her. Now, you know the first sign that she’s not quite all of these things being described? She actually cares. She is one of the few celebrities or public figures to admit that she finds it puzzling why she is hated so much. She doesn’t chalk it up to obtuse things like “oh it’s haters” or “while you’re hating me, I’m over here, making money” No. She actively asks why people hate her. She actively expresses her disappointment at how Black Hollywood has treated her and exiled her into isolation in a business that thrives on connections and community. 

Black media.

To My Sister -- Our Wildest Dream

There is a dream. There are even multiple dreams. And then reality comes and blows the dream so out of water, so out of bounds.

It started with a whisper after dinner, once, when she was like 11 (12? 10?)—basically that age when everyone wants to be a doctor. But then hers grew into a dogged but steady pursuit; gently going through every single obstacle. Ha.

I always say there are two kinds of people—those who come out of the womb knowing exactly what they want to do and the rest of us who spend all our lives figuring it out. Even though my sister is the former, it was HARD. Nevertheless, she persisted.

It's The Usual Things

It’s the usual things. One of my fave YouTubers said she recently rushed to the ER thinking she was having a heart attack. It was a panic attack. If you’re a millennial who hasn’t had the heart attack scare, only to be told it’s panic/anxiety, you’re one of the luckiest ones of our generation. It’s the usual things. Health challenges. It’s the usual things. Career lows. It’s the usual things. Rejection. It’s the usual things. Relational issues. It’s the usual things. Fear. It’s the usual things. Depression.

Fools Are Multiplying Too Rapidly; We Can't Stay Quiet

I recently saw an extremely bizarre thing. It was a  short clip of a podcast (we have to abolish these things once and for all. Podcasts are killing us, folks) where a man, let's call him Man A, asks another man, let's call him Man B, to say which animal he is least afraid of. Man B says fish. Man A attempts to correct him by saying "fish is not an animal". The rest of the almost two minute clip, is Man B being absolutely gobsmacked while Man A continues to scream that fish is NOT an ANIMAL, but a SEA CREATURE. They launched into a screaming match arguing the most basic fact. My God.

How long do you think humanity is going to last before we destroy ourselves?

The Blog is Ten, So Time To End It?

This blog/site turned ten this year, rather unceremoniously. But yes, it was ten years ago I published my first post ever on the Internet. And there have been various iterations of this blog and quite frankly, of me too. I meant to make a big deal of the blog turning ten, but honestly life happened. The exact day (July 24) I was traveling for work and the farthest thing from my mind was this blog. 

There have been times I didn't know what to do with it and wanted to shut it down altogether; delete everything and go into hiding. My sister said if I ever delete this blog, she would "never forgive" me. Those were her exact words. If you know my sister, you know she's not ever that aggressive so it was a little shocking to hear her say that (haha). And I believed the threat so I decided against that. I won't delete. The threat did not include not ever writing though. So I thought that for a while: that I wouldn't post anything here anymore. Ah that lasted all of 2 seconds before the next idea for a post came. The whole writing thing comes so naturally for me sometimes, that it feels a little foolish to quit it. 

I have been consistent. I have been inconsistent. People have read. People have not read. But if we are keeping it real (or vulnerable, as the Internet loves to say) it hasn't grown nearly as much as I would have liked. In the beginning, it did. People read a lot. But eventually that growth fizzled out. I wouldn't call this blog a failure. And trust me, having actually failed at things, I know what failure looks like. This isn't that. Yet, I don't know that I would call it a success. So here we are. As with most things, in between. 

Don’t Follow Your Passion; Here is What You Should Do Instead

I have written in bits and pieces, on this blog, about not being married to an idea. Even outside of this blog, I’m sure you’ve heard it before: don’t follow your passion. I am here to reiterate that advice or to provide additional nuance to buttress that point.  

It is not that following your passion is bad per se. It’s that any idea that is so romanticized is bound to fail. Even when you achieve the biggest dream, goal, plan, ambition, you would realize you are still the same person, with the same worries and anxieties. And that is a feeling that destroys people. Following your passion is not a specific salve to bring you happiness for the rest of your life. Your happiness, I am sorry to announce, is not unlocked by some true calling or purpose. Your life is not going to be magically wonderful when you finally achieve the uncrackable dream. I am sorry to let you know. The path to happiness is  broad and filled with bumps that you get better at navigating the further on the journey you go. 

A Juneteenth Post: How DEI Initiatives Are Stripping Black People of Dignity and Safety

It was Juneteenth on Monday and as far as I'm concerned, we are celebrating all week long. As I said in a previous post on this blog, these past couple of  years, more than ever, I have learned more and had more conversations about emotional safety, belonging, and vulnerability in the workplace. More importantly, I started to better understand that vulnerability needs to be earned; that you deserve a right to protect yourself if you don’t feel “safe”: and that—this is the biggest—vulnerability without boundaries is NOT vulnerability.

Through these conversations, I found that there are places that just expect Black people to remove our armor without sufficient assurance or commitment to our safety. Let me give an example: person X is the “only Black person” in a room and then all of a sudden, they are deemed the race expert. They expect X to open up at every meeting or during every “tough conversation” about the Black experience or about racism. They want X to share their experience of microaggressions, and prejudice, and racism. But what about if X doesn’t want to be vulnerable? Especially if there is no guarantee of protection when X does share something they don’t want to hear. Forget the fear of reprisal; sometimes, people haven’t earned the right to our mind, thoughts, and opinions. So, to not guarantee any safety, yet expect a Black people to speak for all Black people is just wrong.