This post is inspired by another post I saw on a Mommy Page on Instagram. The poster said:
"I turn 40 today and instead of feeling joyful, I find myself feeling a little wistful. I didn't get married early and now here I am, caring for a toddler and a newborn at a time when many of my mates are hitting different life milestones. While I'm grateful for my journey, there are moments I feel like I should be in a different space by now...pursuing something more. It's hard sometimes, doing motherhood alongside women in their late 20s or early 30s. I celebrate them, of course, but if I'm being honest, it messes with my mind. I question whether I'm behind in life. I know every journey is different but today I just need to hear from other mums. Can anyone share some words of encouragement with me?"
When I first saw this, perhaps it was being stuck at the airport somewhere in Europe, almost missing my connecting flight, but I was just incensed. I went back to read it a few days after and while I empathized a bit more, I still had strong feelings about it.
The comments section of the post was filled with a lot of sweet comments so I don't feel bad going the tough love route. The post felt a bit silly, ridiculous. You wanted marriage? Okay, you got it. You wanted children? Well, okay, you got it. And now, the problem is, oops it's too late. What does that mean, happening "too late"?
We don't actually know who among us is old or young. As someone said, if a 40-year old died, we would all be in such despair at how young the person was. I know, because in April alone, I saw the funeral of two beautiful, amazing women (one in her late 30s and the other in her early 40s. Both died of cancer, by the way) on Instagram. So, what is "too late"? It just felt so infuriating and so tone deaf in a world where, again, I saw the friends, family of the aforementioned two ladies cry as they talked about how their loved one had gone just too soon. Since writing this entire post, I've also shared here that I recently learned an old colleague and friend passed away suddenly at 34.
It's also tone deaf where so many forty-something year olds are trying to get married but can't find a suitable partner. It's tone deaf in a world where forty-something year olds are trying so hard just to conceive and would give ANYTHING (literally) to have just one baby. Recently, Gabrielle Union spoke about how much she regrets never being able to conceive and birth naturally. But somehow, it's too late for this poster. Please.
Once, TD Jakes said something so profound: if someone is destined to die at 26, then at 24 they are REALLY OLD! But if someone is destined to die at 95, then at 50, they are basically a toddler. The most important thing is to STOP comparing your life and get to living. Everyone has their own path and their own journey. It's such a waste of time to compare yours to someone else's. And yes, sometimes, plans fail. Sometimes, the journey surprises us. Often, these surprises are a delight. Other times, we are dejected by it. Except when it's life shattering, the best thing is to find ways to redefine your new normal. Let go of the life you so carefully planned and welcome the one waiting for you!
Love,
I
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