Letting Go And Healing After A Break-Up

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up." - Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum.

I was reading something today...hold up, a second. If it sounds like I start the bulk of my posts with "I was reading something..." "I saw something..." and the likes, I apologize. It is because I am  a voracious reader, and to add to that, a certified thinker. I read e-very-thing! Blogs oh, journals oh, tweets oh, newspapers oh (e-version of course), ingredients of my candy or cookies or whatever, I read them. My mind always wanders (it's alarming). So much that I thought about yoga--not kidding. I wanted to be able to FOCUS. I gave up yoga before I even started for several reasons. Story for another time. So, now we have it there--the reason I start my posts in a similar manner.

Ok, so I was reading something about break ups and letting go. Someone must have complained about letting go of a crappy ex boyfriend and the author gave a list of things to do. Things I believe the said person must have known anyway. And the more I read the list, the more I thought, what sort of bullshit is this? I mean, I read about three different posts within the website answering this person, and they were filled with a bunch of trite and useless suggestions that everyone and their mothers should know about break ups. What the heck does "no contact" "heal" " "go out more" even mean? Lmao.


Anyway, if a Google search led you here, or you just normally read my blog and happen to be recently broken up with your former partner, and you opened this link expecting "10 things to do after a break up" or "20 things to help you get over an ex." I am sorry, I can't help you. I am sorry you're going through whatever you're going through. However, there's nothing me or any other blogger or family or friend can say that will help you. It has happened, it has happened. Just keep living like you normally would. If it's any consolation (I doubt it will be) but people have worse problems and are just hoping to see another day. If however, you really want a list, considering we are a generation of lists and we love being told what to do and how to do it, I will give a list of suggestions.

Pray: if this sounds cliche, it's because it actually works. No amount of no contact, or party-hopping can truly heal your heart the way God's words will. It is best to seek God's word, and get reassured of his steadfast love. The more you read his word, the more you realize that we were created for much more than just dating someone giving you stress.

In fact, marriage/relationship talk is a small percentage of what's in the bible. But there is a ton more about his exceeding love for us, and his unshakable, resolute promises to us, if we would just seek him. The only way to figure out these promises though, is to seek him, talk to him as it really is. No, you don't need to speak in tongues or learn anything specific before you can talk to God. Open your mouth, and ask whatever you desire of him, like you would you parents or friends. Only, God is much more sovereign. After all, even before we ask, he already knows. His plans for us are to give us life, in abundance.

Time: like the old saying, time does heal many things, if not all things. Perhaps, the passage of time does not necessarily fix anything, and instead we just get better at handling things. Either way, the more time passes, the better we feel about things. No matter what it is you're feeling or going through now, it will pass. Eventually.

There are people who have gone through tragedies, and at that point while they were passing through it, their hearts hurt so much, they could feel it physically. Ask those people years later, a lot of time, they have somehow managed to live through it. You can too. In fact, most times, people tend to look back and wonder why they even worried in the first place, considering God was probably delivering you from impending doom. So, somehow people who say "move on" are right. Take that literally, and just move on. Remember to ask God for strength to do so. Just go about doing things like you normally would. Take it one day at a time, if you must.

Learn Your Lesson: Aha. Before step two, make sure you understand the valuable lesson the situation taught you. Doing the same thing, and expecting a difference/change is foolishness. You have to evaluate your life while going forward, and make sure you don't ever make the same mistakes again. I, for one know that if you're not going to tolerate something, stand your ground from the very beginning. Don't be so caught up in the moment, neither should you compromise on something you're uncomfortable with, with the hope that you can always turn things around. Don't do that. You are setting yourself up.

That's it.

It's not rocket science. Life just works that way. We are wired to be tough, to weather through all kinds of storms and still come out standing. I started writing this post yesterday, and had an epiphany earlier today when I stepped into my new apartment. See, I had a difficult time finding an apartment. Every lead kept falling through, and the situation was really bleak because I had only days left before my current lease expires. With the passing of each day, the situation only got worse. I finally found a very good place. When I stepped into my new apartment, I dropped my boxes, looked around, and said "well, darn, this was definitely worth the wait." And boy, it was. I love every inch of the space. It's the same with life. Sometimes, the reason we go through hell while searching for a thing is because, what awaits us at the end of the incredible journey is absolutely perfect just for us. Some of us never just have things drop in our laps, we have to go through hoops and hurdles, but in most cases, the final result is worth it. The apartment I eventually got fit the bill of EVERYTHING I had asked God for  in an apartment earlier. No jokes, everything. But during the search, I threw my desires out the window, and just wanted a place, any place. I was ready to pay 50% more than I had planned, because I was desperate. I kept praying to God, but I had lost every bit of faith he could come through for me by giving me exactly what I wanted.

And we do that a whole lot in this life-partner search thing. It's ridiculous. We know what we want, but we worry we would never get it. We (me too!) worry all the good ones are taken and only the useless ones are left.

 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37: 4

I have noticed Nigerian girls everywhere in the "diaspora"  are so caught up in marrying a fellow Nigerian, that they will settle for anything. A-NY-THING. Ah. One small girl my friends and I know (she's really young lol) is dating this other guy (Sigh), and I just keep thinking what exactly can this guy offer her? I am not saying to have improbable desires, but I am also not saying to take anything that comes because of fear. Don't dwell on the failures of the past, so much that you deny yourself on the joy and bliss of the present.

Remember, this too will pass.


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