Nigerians and Sexism

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

Ughhhhh

Even the most contemporary young Nigerian, who is very eclectic and probably cosmopolitan in more ways than you can imagine still reeks of sexism. It is all fun and games when you begin talking to some of them, then things get a little bit serious...the next thing you know, he will randomly slip in a weird thing into a conversation. Something like, "I expect that my wife must have dinner ready by the time I get in. I've been working all day, what has she been doing that dinner can not be ready by the time I walk in?"

See, it's not about whether the wife should cook or not. It's that a modern day man does not entertain the possibility that his 21st century wife can also have a job just as stressful as his.

I was Skyping with my Mom when my brother told me that Twitter was raving because a certain Nigerian celeb's (socialite?) husband had impregnated someone else. Woahhh. I rushed to Twitter for the gist. Of course it was a rave that night. Said celeb had been in a relationship with the husband for TWELVE years before they had a somewhat controversial wedding. This pregnant side chick had also allegedly been in a relationship with the same man for EIGHT years. Things are happening o.

Anyway, as sensational as their gist was, that was not really what captivated my attention. It was people's opinions that did. Of course, trust Nigerians to have varying opinions. A common thread in the opinions of majority however, was placing the blame on the wife, Toke. Excuse me while I re-narrate the ordeal. Toke's HUSBAND allegedly impregnated another woman while being married to Toke. In fact, Toke's HUSBAND was allegedly dating another woman while he was dating Toke. Toke's HUSBAND was the person who broke his marriage vows when he stepped out (if he did). Toke was the one was was disrespected and betrayed. The same Toke was being blamed for the situation.

I am confused.

Now, it is true that Toke is ubiquitous. Frankly, that can be very irritating. But apparently, that's how homegirl makes her coins: public appearances. BEFORE the husband got married to her (amidst the controversies), he must have known Toke hops from party to party, and posts a different picture every other second on Instagram. He still went ahead with the marriage though. How then, was it her fault?

This only meant one thing, many Nigerians (women and men alike) still strongly believe that every bad thing that happens in a marriage is the woman's fault. When the truth is that the two people that agreed to a partnership should strive hard to make that partnership work. Of course, both persons should take parts of the blame. There's only so much we can tell about a marriage we hardly know about. After all, it was just both of them in the marriage. Oh, and the side chick.

There was a friend on Facebook who typed a whole load of bollocks as a status, in which he specifically said he blamed the wife. Guess his reason. He said because Toke always told the world how good her husband was and so, others might have heard. One of those others is the side chick who then took interest in this "very good husband".  He said "she advertised her treasure". If that's not the shittiest thing you've heard this year, what is? My only regret is that I actually took to his comment to reply him. He supported the husband so much that the sexism that oozed from that comment was appalling. I just couldn't.

“Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” 1 Corinthians 11:11

Honestly, I don't care much for Toke. I get really irritated seeing her everywhere, but this thing where people kick her when she's already down is distasteful. Nigerian men (and  women) need a renewal of the mind. Many people need to understand that men and women are equal members of the society. A man and a woman in a relationship should be equally invested in the success of that relationship. Listen to me Nigerian men, you are not doing a girl a favor by marrying her. If you don't marry her, someone else will. There are more than 2 billion men in this world. Believe me when I say if you don't marry her, someone else will. It is not by force. Don't start a marriage with a stupid sense of entitlement. You're either in or out. Eesssh. The only thing worse than male chauvinism is women who put other women down. Today is not the day I dwell on such folks. But stop it. It's not pretty.

I saw a comment in one of HONY's pictures (which is a place filled with gems, actually), it went like this:

"Some men don't want wives, they want hostages."

A perfect definition for some Nigerian men. Some of them don't want wives, they want properties. I have digressed a lot from the Toke's issue. That's because, knowing Toke, this may all just be a ruse in an attempt for some PR. Therefore, her issue is not the main point here (as neither herself or her husband has come out to affirm or refute the news). The main point however, or should I say the underlying issue is the sexism problem. This is not to say that Toke is blameless. This is to demand that both parties be blamed or in fact the only party that broke his vow.

Enough said.

Love,

I

For My Dad, On Father's Day

I speak with my Dad every day.

I don't know how that started to happen. But I know that every day, I pick up the phone to call him and speak with him. And a lot of times, I actually look forward to that phone call. It's no news that I am blessed to have really good parents, both of them. Still, when I can, I try to talk about it. Because, I am now certain it's a privilege, not a right, to have my parents.

I am not writing this for all men or all fathers (I am pretty sure there are many amazing fathers out there). I am writing this for my own father though, the person I get to call Daddy.

I am thankful to have been blessed with my Dad; a man so invested in my siblings and I. Apart from a predilection for books, writing, and gender equality, Chimamanda Adichie and I share another thing: a great love for our fathers. Like her, my Dad is much more than an inspiration to me. Apart from inspiring me to be the best possible version of myself, he is the most generous, kindest, wisest, and the most intelligent person I know. I remember watching episodes of the T.V show, The Spot and being fascinated by how much Ebuka always knows. My Dad is one of only three people I know who know a little bit of everything. I dare you to test my Dad with a word, and he will give you the meaning, instantly. Before Google, Daddy was my Google. He was the one I asked my many questions. And boy, did I have many questions as a child. He always had (and still does) answers. I am always very proud to mention what an intelligent man my Dad is, and how much of that intelligence I wish I had. Like Adichie, I absolutely enjoy spending time with my Dad. He tells me about our family history, his early life, his current life, and what he thinks his future life will look like. He never underestimated me or my siblings, neither did he regard us as "too young". For as far as I can remember, he always treated us with so much respect. And to whom much is given, much is expected. I am a curious person. I want to know what life was like for my parents when they were about my age or even younger. What did they like? Who were their friends? Where did they like to hangout? How did they relate with their own parents and siblings? What was dating like in the 70s? My Dad typically satisfies this curiosity. I know a lot about his growing up, and I look forward to hearing more.

I learnt from my Dad that fatherhood is much more than being financially responsible for your kids. Money is good. No, money is great Lol. But even more important is being invested in your children. My Dad reads everything I write. When I didn't think I could write, my Dad encouraged me. Everything I wrote with a pencil or pen from the age 3 (or 5?), he kept in a bulky file in his bedroom. Even as an adult, my Dad is just as excited about hearing I got an A as he was when he first heard I had been made the Head-Girl and Senior Prefect in my primary school. He shook my hand in the lobby of my childhood home that day and said, "That's my girl! You always make me proud." My greatest dream is to make my parents proud of me.  Although sometimes brutally honest, and too un-diplomatic for our liking, my Dad constantly teaches us through his actions to stand in our truths. He is the most principled and no-nonsense person I know, but those qualities constantly remind me to be my own person, especially in a world where it is extremely easy to conform.

I am probably the most indecisive person you'll ever come to know. But that's okay, because my Dad is always there to help. Never too busy for my LONG emails or to help edit a paper or to reply an urgent text or to pick up my call. If he has a favorite child, then he must be extremely good at keeping that secret, because none of us know who it is. Favoritism, he always says, has no place in parenting. While, he's probably the coolest Dad you know, he insists he's not our friend. Friendship and parenting, he usually says, don't go together. It's one or the other. With his wise words and philosophies, he has and still continues to instill discipline in us.

I am thankful for all these and more. I am also sure I speak for my siblings when I say we don't know what we'll do without our Dad. We are blessed to call him Daddy.

Happy Father's day, Daddy!

Thank you for being so amazing.

Love,
I

A Heavy Heart...

There are some people that are able to go about their lives as usual even when the vilest thing has just happened. I envy such people. In the wake of the recent tragedy (and this is putting it mildly) that happened in Charleston, it's a wonder how some people are able to act like nothing happened and just move on with their lives. I, on the other hand, have been filled with lots of rage. My rage is stemmed from the ugly fact that we have had to feel these things too many times.

We can't walk home with our hoodies on.

We can't sell loose cigarettes.

We can't have pool parties in peace.

And now, we can't even go to church again.

Church???

The safe haven.

That was the extent of this hatred; that a young man would deliberately walk into a church, and commit such a hideous act is still beyond me.  You know what scares me even more, this would not be the last. A deranged, racist, thug who gets a hold of a gun and kills people. Tell me that's not awfully familiar. Yet, in the words of President Obama, these unfortunate incidences do not happen in other developed countries. What kind of a person buys their child a gun on his birthday? Anyway, that's like crying over already spilled milk. The young man stripped some people of their joy and sunshine, and has cast an umbrella of darkness and gloom over an entire nation.
I am angry with the media too. Because when a black person is involved in a crime, they are quick to paint him a thug. As if the word thug is color specific. I saw a headline describe the perpetrator as "someone who apart from (a different crime and the current one)has no other crime" or something that silly. After he got arrested, I did not understand the fuss over the arrest. So what if he has been arrested? Does that erase the hate in his heart? Or in millions of other hearts out there?

I heard that a family member of one of the victims said he has forgiven the perpetrator. Love. That can only be the response. We can strive hard to not let anyone bring us so low that we hate them. So, the response should be love. Love and hope. Love, because time and time again, Christ taught us to love no matter what. Hope, because how else can we live in a world filled with despicable people?

I pray for those who lost their lives on that ill-fated day in South Carolina.

I pray for the families they left behind.

I pray that none of the rest of us has to ever go through such calamity.

I pray for justice.

Love, and some hope,

I

I am a Christian. No, I am Not Stupid.

"Christians have become a cultural punching bag."

I had always wanted to blog about this, but I kept putting it off. I read earlier today about the three muslims killed in North Carolina earlier this year, and I was sure I could no longer put it off. People don't like Christians. I am not sure whether it's religion that really pisses people off, or Christians alone. I recently noticed this.

They are hypocrites. 

They are too judgmental.

People are fond of targeting Christianity as the source of many problems. Oh religious people this, religious people that. Homosexuals are fine because hey they didn't choose to be that. Okay. Transgendered people should be respected because that is who they are. Okay. Scientists who believe only in science are indeed smart people. Fine. Heck, even murderers are excused these days. Oh he always had a mental problem, and he/she just hit a brickwall. Okay. Whatever makes you sleep at night honey. WHY THEN are those who believe in God termed as stupid or termed as foolish for believing in  God?

For some, it's the fact that Christianity is the basis of whatever some particular Christians do. These kinds of people believe that many Christians do not apply logic and reality to their quotidian lives. There are some others who just despise Christians. I am not kidding. The murderer of the North Carolina victims had always expressed disdain for religious people. He would say on his Facebook that he wished all religious people could be killed off the earth. While I have not personally seen any of such persons on my social media (You better believe I will delete such ignoramus), I have seen people express a certain dislike for religious people on my social media. They say they can't understand how anybody chooses to be religious. After all, they wonder, how can a God let cancer happen? Some others go as far as, in the words of someone's recent status; "Those Christians are what is wrong with this world." Pause.

How the heck does it affect you and your mother who I pray to? Oh so I am infringing on your rights by calling on God? How about my own  right to call on whoever I want? I have been so chilled about this, but I am sick of everyone citing religion as the bane of the world. Oh Nigeria is sinking, yeah blame religion or those bloody Christians who call God on every little thing. Now if your message is that you'd rather see people LIVE the gospel, instead of always saying one thing and doing another, I am ALL for that. I am also tired of seeing we Christians with our double standards; we claim one thing, then turn back and our lives are a manifestation of the exact thing we preached against.

It is true that many people have gone on to do less-than-smart things in the name of religion or in the name of God. But please do not destroy yourself and blame God for your own foolishness. I will not be hostile to anyone because of my religion. My own God doesn't preach that. In fact, his grace and love are more than we can ever need. What I will not do however is to let go of my convictions to make you feel better about yourself. I don't have that type of time. I am praying for patience and understanding to be able to live my life such that you wouldn't need the bible to know God; that my life will preach the message. Pending the time I reach there however, I will not placate anyone, neither will I call what is right wrong.

It is okay to be religious or spiritual. It is okay to believe in God. It is okay to have certain principles and convictions. Again, NEVER let anyone bully you into silence, either on your social media or in real life. They will make you look stupid, or perhaps uncool, or ignorant. That's on them. What's on you is your conviction. Your principles. It is okay to not agree or accept everything the world deems as cool, it is perfectly fine to have dissenting opinions from others. Speak that opinion as often as you feel like. What you should NEVER do, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., is to let anyone bring you so low that you hate them. Also, you can't express your opinions in a hateful manner neither should you hate anyone because they are different from you. Accept everyone as often as you can (even if you don't accept certain behaviors from them) but disagree with opinions if you want to.

On that note, as much as everyone expects us (black folks) to hate Rachel Dolezal. I don't want to. I am fascinated and slightly worried about her, but I am not angry with her. And I certainly will not hate her.  Yes, she lied and was deceitful. That was wrong. However, let he who has never lied cast a stone.

Love,
I

"Summer-ing"

WARNING: Picture Overload

I had a pretty good weekend summer-ring. I am going to define summer-ing as spending your time under an insanely hot sun, while sightseeing and pretty much exploring a city. That definition works. My sister and I visited three museums and a zoo this past weekend, in a 93 degree weather. We had a good time and took LOADS of pictures. So let's get to it. Shall we?

If you follow me on Instagram, you probably already saw this.

Speaking of Instagram, I am really feeling the buzz these days and posting every second. Haha. Ok, more like everyday. Plus I decided to make my page public. I feel like it will probably be private again someday. But so far, nothing too crazy that it can be public. And I don't make it a habit of putting my location, except said location is a public place, like the zoo for instance. If you go to the zoo looking for one person, well, you will find hundreds, literally. 

That was at the Art and Science museum. I must admit, I was sort of bored there. My sister on the other hand was interested in seeing science-y things. She made us go all through the building just to see bones of dinosaurs. I kept thinking since we were going to see real animals at the zoo, why did we need to see their bones or molded animals. Bleh. It reminded me of an episode of Modern Family, where everyone followed Alex, the smarty pants to a gallery and they literally had to "escape" one after the other, because they were so lost and were afraid of looking stupid. I didn't have to "escape", I just told my sister that I wanted to visit the history museums instead. And since I called the shots, (haha!) she obliged!

who knew taking pictures was so hard? People kept photo-bombing

The almighty dinosaurs.

                           
                                                 

The world population in real time. It was literally changing by the second.

eek I took so many pictures. 

If I told you these pictures were not even up to half of all the pictures we took, you'd not believe. That's the truth though. It was hard picking which to upload and there were videos too(of huge pandas eating), but I couldn't get those up for some reasons. Oh the pandas were the highlight of my day. Also, my sister took all most of the pictures. So kudos to her for not only taking them, but also taking the time to send them all to me. She's more than a G! 

Till next time,

Deuces.

Love,
I

Friday Reflections

1.) Thank God it's Friday

2.) Did you know there can be a human attempt to bring about the fulfillment of God's promise, and there can also be God's own fulfillment of his promise? I didn't know that.

3.) It's R's birthday today. We go wayyyyyy back, and we have too many memories together. I could never trade our friendship for anything in this world.

4.)"Transracial is not a thing. But Transgender is." Who makes these rules?  I find the #RachelDolezal story really weird. However, you don't get to pick. If you are going to let Caityln Jenner be whoever she wants to be, then Rachel Dolezal can ride on.

5.) Although, when you look at it Rachel actually needs help. This is quite a serious matter.

6.) In one of Chimamanda's recent speeches, she talked about the women and always wanting to be likable. According to her, you don't need to be likable.

7.) As someone who isn't always very likable, imma have to disagree Lol.

8.) So glad it's Friday.

9.) I really have to work on my social life...or maybe not?

Peace...That Surpasses All Understanding

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

There are times when everything just seems to be going wrong. No, not big, disastrous happenings, with dire consequences. I am talking of little things. Ugh. It's the little things. Like when you have just five minutes left to sculpt the perfect brows, so as to be on fleek. All of a sudden your brows knows how limited you are regarding time, and decides to punish you for snoozing your alarm for an extra five minutes. Your brows be like "Nope. I ain't werking." At this point the brows look like a case of a terribly baked cake; somewhere in between stale bread and hard cookies. Anything but cake. Ok, so you apply concealers, which YouTube-ers always seem to do flawlessly. Except your face becomes a mix of patches of white powdery/creamery stuff and normal skin. At this point, you have just two minutes left. You either wash your entire wash and go bare, or make more futile attempts at getting your brows right. You go with the former. You know what they say about the correlation between feeling good AND being productive. Yeah.

The kind of brows you're trying to get, but failing woefully at getting.

Yeah little things like that. Or like your car developing numerous faults. Oh, then there's the case of  numerous failed attempts at writing a draft of a paper due in a few days. Of course you knew the paper was due, but you and procrastination signed a lifelong contract to stick by each other. So you wait. Till you have few days, or few hours, and you try so hard to pen down something, but NOPE. Nothing. You message your siblings or friends (if you still have any) to lament. You tell them how important it is to get that paper done, because your life depends on it. But they don't understand, so they tell you sorry and leave it at that. You turn on to Instagram and Twitter. Everything, but write that paper.

You and your blank screen.

Or more little things (or perhaps HUGE) like homelessness. I mean, your lease is gonna end soon. Like really soon, and after actually taking apartment hunting seriously, you find nothing. You get slightly irritated that you have to be an adult. Because when you were not an adult, shelter was none of your business. What is Daddy and Mommy there for? You finally think you have found the perfect apartment, but it is a fail again. At which point, your car repairer calls you to come pick up your car, and no they still have not fixed it. You stand under the scorching sun, waiting for a bus that will not come, and wonder why life is such a pot of beans. Meanwhile, your parents won't stop asking you if you have got an apartment yet, and why you are not intensifying your search. Of course they can't see that you have about 20 tabs open on your computer, about 65% of which are websites for apartment search. I mean, they are also worried, because how can their child be homeless in a different state. You at least thank God someone cares about you.

Yeah little things like that. Little things that take over your mind so much, you forget about the real problems. I experienced some of those and even more this past week. However, I wasn't as worried as I would have been. I remember thinking "what is going on with me?!" But then, the bible passage above kept coming to mind. I was (and still am) experiencing peace that surpasses understanding. Even I could not understand how I could be so calm in the face of such tempestuous events. When that passage wouldn't leave my mind, I had to go back to the bible to figure out the origin of the sentence. In the earlier verses of Philippians 4, Paul had written to them to not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving to present their requests to God. THEN (or AND in some other versions) will you experience the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding. Fin. Are you anxious about anything? Tell it to God, thank him, and watch him do wonders. Maybe all the solutions wouldn't come at once, but at least you can continue with your life filled with peace...the kind that surpasses understanding.

Love,
I

On Caitlyn and The Media

Caitlyn Jenner...the buzz of town. The phenomenon on everyone's lips. The mystery that some people have had a hard time understanding. The new normal. I wish they wouldn't shove it down everyone's throats in that manner though. You know, the manner where she struts her endowments on the front pages of magazines covers. The part where again, womanhood is reduced to breasts and nudity. I don't think I like that part. Yet, I also believe a lot in choice. More so, even our heavenly father endowed men and women with the gift of choice. If it's her choice, it's none of our business.

Yet it's far more than that, especially for non-celebrities transitioning from one gender to the other. I remember the first interview and sit-down she granted with Diane Sawyer. It was around the same time Kylie Jenner was making headlines for dating a twenty five year old rapper (or whatever the hell that one does) with a child. I felt like beyond all this fanfare, there was still so much to deal with, especially with her family. I still believe that no matter how liberal her children might be, the thought of their 65 year old Dad becoming a woman is not something they just wave off with a shrug. So instead of making it a media frenzy, how about dealing with this EXTREMELY personal thing privately. Many people argue that this way, Caitlyn is shinning light on the important issues of transgender. I have read and heard that black transgender women have been victims of despicable violence, and usually have limited access to healthcare, housing and other essential things. While it's vile for anybody to treat a fellow human being with violence and hatred, I still do not think Caitlyn Jenner's recent media buzz solves that problem. I think that it has been so superficial and everyone is caught up in what she now looks like, and how she is hotter than Kris Kardashian. A comparison, which by the way is baseless and just so stupid.

I empathize with transgender folks and all the unfortunate challenges they have to go through. I empathize with Caitlyn and all the internal struggle she IS dealing with. (I have read that it never really goes away, sadly). I still believe however that this has been too much of a media circus. Already many people see the Kardashians as a bunch of attention-seeking women. It burns me to see people blame those women (whom I am not particularly a fan of) for everything Bruce went through. Again, let me reiterate these people are having it hard already, seeing their Dad/Ex-Husband become a woman must have some psychological effect on them, I think.

Laverne Cox is one of the most outspoken advocates of trans people, but even she is particularly very hesitant to discuss her own personal journey. As far as she's concerned that's not what matters, what matters is ensuring they are treated as equal members of the society. Or at least that's what she said in an interview I watched. I couldn't agree more. A member of the LGBT (and a democrat) community made a statement, after the Washington Post accused Republicans and Social Conservative leaders of not speaking publicly to encourage Caitlyn. She said while she's incredibly happy for Caitlyn, she doesn't care to hear political leaders talk about it, because there are more important things like ISIS, domestic terrorism, unemployment etc. These issues, she said, are far more important to her.

Also, I strongly believe that people should not be silenced for having dissenting opinions from the popular opinion. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is to discourage hatred and discrimination of all sorts. People are notorious for shutting down others because their opinions differ. I encourage everyone to stand in their own truths, even if that truth is regularly vilified. It's called convictions. Let's learn to educate one another with LOVE, not hurling insults upon each other with vile and hatred because opinions differ.

Sidebar:  Everyday, when women get mastectomies and hysterectomies in the struggle for survival, we tell them assuredly, "Your breasts and those other things don't define you as a woman." Have we been lying? I'm curious, what really defines one as a woman? What defines gender? What does it take to be a woman? Answers are more than welcome.