On Faith And Doubt in One's Self

I don't have any wisdom to dish out today. If anything, I am presenting what some might call a conundrum.

How often do you doubt? How often do you have tons of questions for God? Do you often wonder where practicality, or perhaps common sense ends and faith begins?

C'mon be realistic.

I'm pretty sure you have heard at least some variation of the above. Faith, to me is such a multi-complex issue that I never get tired of reading about it or listening to someone talk about it.

I watched this and was reminded of "what it feels like to doubt, to be overload with skepticism".

Something recently got me thinking:

I'm not qualified for this

I can't get this

This is not for me

Be realistic Ife, you can't do this. You simply are not enough 

Now, I am of course a Christian and I know there is a general consensus among Christians to "pray like you are incapable/haven't read/insert whatever else AND that to act like/read like you haven't prayed", which for the longest time to me meant:

Yeah, God is capable...BUT it's still up to you as an individual to achieve/do/get that thing.

See, if it was entirely up to you or me, if it was completely within our power, why do we need God? I now know there are numerous answers to this. Like God himself believes in a strong work ethic and in discipline. Like God is not a bellhop that brings you whatever you need/want whenever you need/want it. We need God for more than just our earthly desires, which you probably only desire in the first place so you can feel superior to others.  I know now that a relationship with God isn't just about me, me, me. A relationship with God is an anchor for my soul.

But then again, I'm not always clear minded enough to reason it out that way. If I had no faith in God, there are many things that I would never, ever try. I'm very rational and it can often present as pessimism. The thing is I really, really hate wasted time. And in my opinion, many things are mere time wasters.

I have now learnt (and still constantly learning) that God is limitless and anything is possible. I have also learnt how faith can open your eyes to see what's IN you. To see what's WITHIN you. Faith, is indeed empowering. Yet faith is also knowing God CAN do this, but he doesn't necessarily always want to or have to.

It wasn't till later in life when my parents were trying to make an analogy about my life in one of my dark moments, that I found my name could also mean "the will of God". I began to understand even much more about my life, because as you should already know, names are or can be a powerful force in a person's life.

So now I ask myself, I want this, but does God want this? Because while I only see a teeny weeny part of the whole picture, God sees and knows the entire picture. He is all-knowing. So I just do. I then remind myself about the things that truly matter. Whatever that thing is that you want to go crazy about; I'm almost certain it's not your WHOLE life. It really is just a part of your life. Of course in my case, it is an important part of my life that I desire and trust that God will help me achieve. But it's just that: a PART of my WHOLE life. Ultimately, even if God doesn't give me this thing I want desperately, it doesn't make Him any less great or any less mighty.

I refuse to be controlled by my wants and needs. And you should as well.

What's the point of this story? I already hinted to it above. I was close to not attempting something this past week. It was too big a dream, so I quit. I swear those online motivational speakers would have ripped my head apart hahaha. A la if you can think it you can do it yidi yada. Yeah, no. Please there are tons of things you can dream and can't do.  I digress. Anyway, so I told myself I was not that lucky. And was about to keep it moving. BUT. Now, this is a huge BUT. But...somehow, God gave me the grace and humility to actually tell my sister about it, who immediately admonished and charged me. She reminded me of past achievements. This is gold. Always, always remember where and how God has come through for you in the past. Surround yourself with wise counsel. God really used my sister for me and I decided to go for it. My prayer is that I come back to this blog to testify.

"Today I have faith, but I can't make any promises about tomorrow." - Joseph Solomon

Therefore if you are in doubt or confusion about something hard you want to do... GO FOR IT. The truth, cliche as it might sound, is that unless you try, you'd never know. What if you fail? But what if you fly? You say, but my faith isn't enough. Lucky for you since you only need faith the size of a mustard seed, huh? A healthy dose of doubt is good. A healthy does of fear is good even. It gives you perspective and some humility.

Now if your doubt isn't about a particular thing, perhaps about God in particular. That's very understandable as well. You will seldom find a Christian who hasn't been there. Work through it, and of course pray for clarity. God always, always shows up.

"Before you doubt me, doubt your doubt. And you'll see they are just as empty as the tomb that I walked from."




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