A Sunday Ramble On Being Carefree, Being Anxious, And Being Gifted

I'm inspired to just come here and ramble. Is that not what a blog is for? This is not even a planned post, and I have several of those lined up. I just felt like rambling today. Plus it's been a while I did one of these. I'm currently in Nigeria for field research for my dissertation. Normally, I would not want to say this publicly but no effs to give right now. I'm a not-so-silent fan of mizadventures of mizchif's blog, and I just read her last post and I'm full of admiration of how authentically she is living her life. I'm almost envious.  I mean, she is truly livin' her best life. I have certainly not attained that level of living authentically and free with no bother. But I am really getting there. I'm certainly better than say, earlier this year, or last year. When I was younger, a teenager, I was THERE. I literally did not care about anything or anyone. As I have grown older however, and with more to lose, I have relaxed in that I now care way too much. Yeah, gotta lose that. For you, what does living your best life mean? Because I know for sure mine would look nothing like mizchif's at all. The key though is being unapologetically you; not living for others, however you define that.



I have to say that it still matters that I am kind, that I have empathy, and that I have love in my heart. However, I must first love myself and fill myself. Because of that, I am learning to love people from afar. I am learning that when someone shows me who they are, I best listen. No hard feelings. No anger. No hate. Just go. For many people, I would rather love them from afar.  If you feel this way about certain homo sapiens in your life, I want you to know it does not mean you have not forgiven a person, and it does not mean you do not have Jesus in you. It means you have enough Jesus in you to flee temptation. Fin.

I say this all to say in the words of  our internet Auntie, Chimamanda, I am striving to no longer desire likability; to not twist myself into shapes so that some people like me. 

There are people who dislike you because you do not dislike yourself. - Chimamanda Adichie

I have been so anxious about my work more recently; so so anxious. I have to mention that this is a very frequent occurrence. Another thing you should be mindful of should you want to ahem go into academia. Anyway, yes anxious. So so anxious. When you really evaluate it,  on the one hand, it's hard to pinpoint a root-cause of work-related anxiety; on the other hand, somewhere beneath it all is a terrifying fear of failure. This is of course maddening.  So for this current season I find myself, the word of God impressed upon my heart is,

even though the fig tree have no blossoms
and there are no grapes on the vines
even though the olive crop fails
and the fields lie empty and barren
even though the flocks die in the fields
and the cattle barns are empty
yet I will REJOICE in the Lord
I will be joyful in the God of my Salvation - Habakkuk 3:17-18

Basically, no matter what happens, I will choose rejoicing. It takes another level of growth and spiritual maturity to be grateful even when things are not smooth. There is a whole other peace you experience when you know even if trouble comes, God is still good. God is still gracious. God is still kind. Now all I ask is if trouble comes, God should grant me the grace and peace to endure. It's like someone said on Instagram: she no longer prays not to go through hard times, but she has learnt to embrace suffering.  And that now just prays for peace and grace to navigate whatever comes her way. Amen? Amen. So all those emails that terrify me, I will still choose to rejoice. Come rain, come sunshine, I will choose to rejoice.

A recent caption on the blog's Instagram. Yes, we now have Instagram oh. Have you FOLLOWED? Modern Cedar Squadies, where you at? Followwwwww. Hahaha. Okay on that post, I mentioned how lethargic I have been regarding blogging. In my defense, if you ever experienced a day in my life, you would wonder where on earth I find the time for hobbies like blogging. Now normally, I would stop blogging altogether instead of being so inconsistent. But then, surprisingly this comes so easy for me, you know. Yeah writing does. I never quite admitted it to myself, but after recently coming up with a poem to post on the blog in literally five minutes, I realized wow this is quite...easy? Not that writing is easy (duh! if it were, I would have tons of books), but I mean compared to most other things I do, this—blogging  and its variants—come quite easy. I thought it must be a gift then, and even if it isn't, it really makes me feel good. So why stop? Also, remember we are about doing what we truly love. Again, normally I would never "brag" about being "good" at something. I don't think I have ever even admitted to myself about being good at anything, but again Berry Dakara posted about giving yourself a compliment. And that is something I never do. So yeah I gave myself a compliment by admitting that I have a "thing" which may or may not be a gift, but which I love and I'm pretty good at. So consistent or not, audience or not, I will keep doing it.

So consider all of these today: be more authentic and carefree; lose the toxic people in your life; choose only those who choose you; choose to rejoice no matter what comes your way; and compliment yourself. I implore you to imbibe these if at all possible.

Love,

I

P.S: Happy birthday Auntie Chimamanda!

2 comments

  1. Enjoyed this post!

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by and then leaving a comment too :)

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