Sometimes, Life is What It Is, Life.

In one of the very old episodes of Law & Order, a woman killed her sister so she could steal her identity. She—the murderer—was so good at pretending to be her sister that she deceived a team of counselors and detectives. Anyway, even though it took a while, she was eventually caught. She had to plead guilty and while she was doing so, the counselor looked at her and said with disgust "You took your sister's life to escape from those who were after yours". Her response was what puzzled me and of course what originated this post.

 "My sister lived in (insert city), Indiana where she stapled papers everyday in an Insurance company. My sister had no life."

This Thing Called Leadership.

While I was chatting with my friend E two days ago, she asked why I had not put up a post in while. I felt so flattered and humbled to have been missed. So, I started to give her plenty excuses, flimsy ones. Maybe not so flimsy. I wanted to start this post by explaining how I have 'many' posts sitting in my drafts. I don't. I have just one and perhaps, that one post in my draft right now has taken so long to complete because it is both fiction and non-fiction...or because I can be really lazy sometimes. I have been busy, let's leave it at that. Thank you E and every other person who cared enough to notice.

I spent the first quarter of this year reading and studying the Pentateuch. The Pentateuch, as defined by Google is the name given to the first five books of the bible; Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. It was amazing, to say the least. Coincidentally, I rounded it up yesterday which was the hundredth day of the year. And it was quite an emotional end for me. It was so emotional, I had to constantly remind myself that it was the Bible and it would always be there. There's no end to it. Anyway, why am I blogging about something that was originally meant to be so personal? I learnt a LOT about the Israelites and their very phenomenal journey. But even more, I learnt about their phenomenal leader, Moses. Now, Leadership is arguably one of the most talked about topics. Everywhere you turn, there's a leadership seminar going on. People have written books about leadership, people earn money motivating people to be great leaders. I dare say that you can learn about leadership free of charge from someone who I believe was one of the greatest leaders the Bible ever recorded, Moses. So, without much ado, the following are some of the lessons reading about Moses taught me. Please bear in mind that prior to reading/studying the books, I didn't think I was going to write about it. Hence, I may leave out some details. Feel free to correct me or even better, tell me what you learnt or constantly learn from him.

First and foremost, I learnt that even great leaders started out scared; they started out doubting themselves. I don't know about you, but sometimes I think about my greatest dreams and I doubt myself. I ask myself, 'Are you sure you're intelligent enough to ever attain this?' Even when God clearly called him out for the job, Moses did not ever think he was the right man for the job. He probably was the only person to ever see God face to face (What a blessed man!) and yet, he doubted. Instead of thinking of his many strengths, he first thought about his weakness. Which brings me to my next point. We whine so much about our weaknesses that we totally forget about out strengths. Yes, work on your weaknesses but more importantly, use your strengths to your own advantage. Dwell on your strengths, immerse yourself in them and watch them conquer challenges for you. Fear can be okay. I remember an old episode of Grey's Anatomy when Dr. Bailey was getting married and was extremely nervous and scared. Her mentor and boss, Dr. Webber reminded and lectured her about two kinds of fear; one is just you being adult and being careful. The other though, may be a sign. Learn the difference. I'm sorry I can't help you with that.

Another thing I noticed about Moses was his relationship with God. God was with him and he was with God. There was hardly a thing he did without first consulting God. Let me explain in the best way I know how to, everybody needs God. We are in a world where everybody wants to advise you. Opinions will come from everywhere and everyone who thinks they are all-knowing. Before, I would have said "Do you boo!" but now I understand the importance of wise counsel. So, no don't just 'do you' because 'you' may be really stupid. You need help and counsel from people. But, you also need to be able to filter those counsels. You absolutely need the spirit of God to do that. I can't help you with doing it without the spirit of God. Remember though, Moses had his father-in-law, he had Aaron (who by the way, was also a great leader in his own way) and he had several judges. You will need help. The question is, where/who do you plan on getting it from?

Never before have I seen a leader who cared so much about the people the way Moses did. He was selfless. Even after he made the mistake that cost him the Promised Land, after it was clear he would never get there, he still genuinely cared and interceded for the people. In one of the last chapters, just before he died, he said a LONG prayer for the Israelites just like a father would for his children. Personally, I used to be very good at silent treatment. Oh boy! I deserved a Nobel Prize for that skill. If I were the one, the moment I realized that despite ALL my efforts, I would not get to the Promised Land because of a 'silly' mistake, I would have immediately withdrawn to my shell. Wetin concern me, O.Y.O ni everybody wa*. I have since realized that, that is NOT a quality of a leader. A good leader should understand he/she would make many mistakes and should be ready to be corrected. My Mother always says in Yoruba, "Omo ti a ba bawi, to ba warunki, iparun lo fe*." In other words, humility is key. I am happy to tell you that, I now try as much as possible to even love you more when you annoy me. That, by the way is HARD.

This post is now much longer than what I originally intended. No leader is perfect, not even Moses. he too made very costly mistakes. In spite of them all, he fulfilled purpose. My biggest fear is not dying, my biggest fear is dying without having actually lived. My biggest fear is dying without fulfilling God's purpose for my life. Moses had none of that to fear. He did not only live a long, prosperous and fulfilled life, he was able to choose an exceedingly great successor, Joshua. I remember one of our Principals in Secondary School once said something on  the assembly ground, something along the lines of  "A good leader is really known by their successor." In other words, the completion and eventual success of your leadership largely depends on who succeeds you. I hope with these few words of mine, I have been able to convince  and not confuse you that Moses was indeed a good leader. Lol. I'm sure I will read about him again, someday. You should too. However, remember that Rome was not built in a day, and who we are or eventually turn out to be is a sum total of every of our acts. You may not feel like it now, but one day you will wake up and realize how close to your dreams you are or how great a leader you have been. 

Love,

I.  

*What's my business? Everybody for himself/herself.

*He/she who we chastise and decides to grumble certainly wants destruction.

People Watching; Conversations.

I was thinking about blogging tonight but I had nothing to write. Then I remembered my mobile note pad-the one on my phone-and decided to got through it. I sometimes type or jot down very random things, mostly conversations with strangers. Some of them are funny, while others, out-rightly bizarre. I'm not sure what category the one below it. I think I'll call this 'series'  People Watching. The sub title; Conversations. Because even though it's a conversation, it somehow is still People Watching.

Random Man: Where are you from?

Me: Nigeria.

RM: Oh really? So how are things with you people?

Me: Well, not bad. I just wish we would have less selfish leaders.

RM: Oh yeah, your leader, he looks like a cowboy with his hat.

Me: :( :|

RM: My Doctor, he's Nigerian, Dr. XYZ. He's brother went home to contest for an election.

Me: Presidential?

RM: No no, just local governor. You know he got only one vote. He was a lecturer in the university here. He had to come back here, he said there is no space for honest people in Nigerian politics.

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One vote though! LOL #WhichwayNigeria?

:( = Sad face.
:|= Straight face.

Battle of The Sexes and of Equality.

I am about to talk about two very successful women; Chimamanda Adichie and Omotola Jalade. Before I continue, let me explain that I'm seldom a fan of celebrities or popular people. I just find it hard to like someone I don't know personally. It doesn't come naturally, so I leave it. I admire people; public figures, politicians, celebrities. But that's about it. That being said, if I were to be a fan of any of these two women, it would most likely be Adichie. She's brilliant, successful and very opinionated. That's a force I reckon with. I am just trying to say this piece isn't biased at all.

However, during my brief hiatus from cyber space, something very interesting happened. First of all, everyone who knows Adichie knows she's a feminist and a very opinionated one. Her feminism TEDtalk was so popular (about six million views), Beyonce used some of Adichie's lines in her song 'Flawless'. So I really was not surprised when during one of the many interviews she has been granting these days, a reporter referred to her as "Mrs. (Husband's last name)", she responded very defensively and arguably rudely too;

"Before we start, please, I just want to say that my name is Chimamanda Adichie. That’s how I want it; that’s how I’m addressed, and it is not Mrs but Miss.  Ms: that’s how I want it. I am saying this, because I just got a mail from my manager this morning. It seems that there are people who attended the church service, and they wrote about it, addressing me as Mrs. Chimamanda (Esega). I didn't like that at all. So my name is Chimamanda Adichie, full stop!"

And in normal Adichie's style, she went ahead to prove how it is not our culture yada yada because her grandfather bore his mother's last name so he could be distinguished from his half/step siblings in the compound of many kids. Whew. Like I have been saying jokingly these past few days, some of you need to stop taking life so seriously. Ha-ha.

On a more serious note, I am not interested in what anybody chooses to be identified by or with. And to be honest and fair, the woman has every right to be called whatever she deems fit. We must not even forget that her name is already a brand. If her husband is okay with it, cool. Even if he isn't, well, cool too. What really made my skin crawl was some people's comments and reactions when, around the same period, Omotola Jalade granted an interview with her husband, where they talked about even though she's a big celebrity and in fact, one of Times 100 most influential people, her marriage has worked very well for over fifteen years. In this interview, she mentioned something VERY controversial and all hell let loose;

"I don’t believe in gender equality. I do not believe that God made man and woman to be equal in any way. I believe that in every organised institution, there is always a head and an assistant. It doesn't mean that one should take the other for granted, or disrespect the other. I believe the husband is the head of the home and the wife is an assistant. My husband is a pilot, I have flown with him several times and I understood that here is a captain and a co-pilot. They are both responsible for the passengers’ lives. But when there is a final decision to make, it is up to the captain to make it. He is more experienced and the one with the responsibility. But any mature captain will not ignore his co-pilot because the co-pilot is not a cabin attendant. He is there for a reason. It just depends on how you understand and play your roles. I believe women should understand this. When a woman starts a struggle for power tussle with him, it tends to cause friction in the home. The woman should give the man the respect as the head of the home and also prove herself as a worthy co-pilot. He needs to see you as a reliable co-pilot. Sometimes, he may not be the one running the house day-to-day, you are the one to take decisions but you have to do it in such a manner that he is comfortable enough to see you as someone he can rely on. When you have a proud and egocentric husband, hand him over to God. If you feel like your life is being threatened, or that of your children, get yourself out of that situation. You owe your children that. Try separation for a while, but before that, you must have tried other things. I do not believe that people should throw in the towel in their marriage at every flimsy excuse. You must have been a diligent wife and tried prayers and intervention. If all those fail, then you can remove yourself from that situation. Also, couples should be friends and communicate. What we call love sometimes fizzles out. True love comes from friendship. When you don’t feel those initial sparks, friendship is what keeps you together, until when the spark comes again."

I do not hundred percent agree with Omotola at all. In fact, I am still finding my footing on some aspects of Feminism and until I am ABSOLUTELY sure about what I believe, I will NOT jump on any bandwagon just because. Besides, I personally have always believed that I am much more superior to some men and refuse to be placed as equal with those kind of men. I am too busy being the best version of myself than to be struggling to be equal to some nonentity. It's not pride, it's just my personal opinion. And yes, I have come to realize how selfish that thought is because of the many women suffering and being denied of many things just because they are females. What I do not understand is why Nigerians think that Adichie, being a 'Miss Independent' and refusing to be addressed by her husband's last name is a more superior woman or a better woman than Jalade who well, chose complete submission. Let me explain the major reason I am a bit skeptical about some aspects of feminism, it's because I have come to learn overtime that we women, we are our own worst enemies sometimes. You know what's interesting, every time in the past I listened to Jalade's husband talk or even Jalade herself, they mentioned how she's a very strong-headed woman. She claimed her father died when she was very young and she assumed responsibilities at quite an early age and perhaps that made her hot-headed. 

Look, the most important part of Feminism should be the freedom to choose. Like Sheryl Sanberg said in her book Lean in; Women like Sheryl and Marissa who are executives and powerful women, the type people may think are not 'homely' should be respected and supported. Also, the women who CHOOSE to not even work, to sit at home and be homemakers should also be respected and supported for their decisions. This thing is quite personal. And to each, his own. I think it's disheartening that a woman be so disrespected and humiliated because she believes she should be in total submission to her husband. Some people may argue that she's misleading young women into thinking their lives don't amount to much without a man. I disagree. First of all, she's extremely successful. Second, you are not to mirror your life with that of a stranger. Yes, the media influences us but why should you base life altering decisions on what you heard a celeb say? I'm very happy that woman added the caveat; if your life is being endangered or your children's, walk out. See, this thing is really about end goals and personal journeys. I remember my sister told me about her former classmate. You see, while the teenagers were filling up their year books and things like that, under the section "Future Ambition/Career", most of them wrote down fancy dreams/jobs like Medical Doctor, Lawyer, Entrepreneur but this friend of hers simply stated that she would be a Nurse for two years, after which she would resign and become a housewife. I laughed so hard when my sister first told me, my stomach hurt. Later on, I thought well about it. That's her end goal, that's what she wants, then why can't she go for it? Society sometimes forces us to think too mainstream. Women should not be judged or scoffed at if they are into getting married very early neither should they be scoffed at if they are into getting as much education as possible before settling down. Everybody is on a different journey with different dreams and aspirations. I was just in my first or second year in University when I told (I can't remember very well but I think it was just a joke) my friend, R's uncle that I may want to get married at 30 or later. He came to a halt while driving to ask if he heard correctly. Let's face it I was still a child then, Lol but it was my choice anyway. My point is, the true fight of Feminism is that which every woman  is free to choose what they want and even supported for it. When I first heard Jalade got married at eighteen, I thought "...and this woman too is screaming against child marriage? Wasn't she herself a child when she married?" Lol. I still think eighteen is too young though (C'mon, At eighteen, I didn't even have a career path. Lol) but I have learnt to not think someone else's choice is invalid because it's not the norm. 

Interestingly, both women are successful, educated and maybe even richer than their husbands. I strongly believe Jalade is. But then, one is thought of as less because she thinks she's unequal with her husband? Let's just understand that, to each his own. There's no need for the castigation and name-calling. Someone called her marriage, an 'accidental relationship'. If that isn't extreme, what is? She wasn't even dishing out any advice, she was merely saying what she felt worked for her. Let's also remember that Feminism has nothing to do with hating men. I have absolutely amazing men in my life and looking around at men in my family in general, I don't think they've done quite badly at all. In fact, they are doing well (no reason for them to be despised) at least from what I know. Ironically, people would laugh if a man decided to be a homemaker while his wife is the one working. Look, as absurd as that may sound, it is also a their (the couple's) decision to be made, not the society's. Most importantly, the media is great but do not rely solely on media, look around you. Sometimes, the best lessons are learnt from the regular folks around you, not the T.V.

Love,

I

By the way, why do men like to reiterate the part of the bible that says women should submit to their husbands and completely ignore the part that says men should love their wives like Christ loves the church. Submission is easy, anybody can do that, but loving someone like Christ loves the church, there's a whole lotsa Grace required there though.

I apologize for the incredibly long post.

Femi Olawole's Blog: To My Beautiful Daughter, on Her Birthday.

Femi Olawole's Blog: To My Beautiful Daughter, on Her Birthday.: Ifeoluwa, You are a year older today. I’m about writing a eulogy in commemoration of this event when this mail comes in from a very...

"I Survived...ALMOST BEING RAPED"

Hey there people! Life has been...well, life. I saw this true life story-more like my father made sure we read this story-in an O magazine. O magazine is the Oprah's magazine for those who do not know. My Dad constantly and this is not even an exaggeration, CONSTANTLY teaches us self defense techniques because it's such a scary, dangerous world. *Shudders*. Anyway, share this story with your sister, wife, girlfriend, cousin, friend, acquaintance...whoever it can help. Because like I said, life can be weird, for lack of a worse word.

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"I was on my way home from work, cutting through the park. On that day, the sun seemed to set faster, and suddenly I found myself walking in the dark. I was less than half a mile from my apartment, but the path led me over a bridge, across train tracks, and through an unlit underpass.

Then I heard him- a stranger running alongside me in a half crouch, partly obscured by the bushes. My mouth went dry, my legs felt like water. But I didn't pick up my pace; instead, I stopped, turned and faced him. He came out of the bushes and said he'd been watching me 'for a long time.'

As he walked beside me, I steered us closer to the edge of the park. When we reached the bridge, a train rumbled past, and he seized the moment, lunging at me as his hands closed around my throat. HE FORCED HIS TONGUE INTO MY MOUTH. The self defense skills I had learned years before kicked in, and I DUG MY THUMB INTO HIS EYE, HARD. And then came the shock: he didn't flinch. he only grew bolder, pulling at my clothes. My mind flashed to a tip from an old guitar teacher: Press the strings like you're pinching a flea.  I PUT EVERY OUNCE OF MY STRENGTH INTO THAT THUMB, and finally he let go.

'Don't be like that,' he said.

'It IS like that.' I replied nonsensically.

I was shaking with fear, but I looked him straight in the eye and began to back away. I turned to sprint the hell out of there, but then I remembered another self-defense lesson: NEVER RUN, because then you're prey. So I walked away-alone-through the pitch-dark tunnel as I punched 911 with trembling fingers."
- Kris Herndon
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The words in caps; they are things my Dad always told us prior to reading the story especially the thumb rule. Also, he made sure to underline them in the magazine for us. Lol. You'd be surprised how many people could NOT have been raped if they knew just what power their thumb or teeth had. Also if they maybe knew to not let fear overpower them in such circumstances. Just share if you can, let's hope that we can end the scourge, rape. One word at a time. One blogpost at a time.
Love,
I

In Response To Doctor Ola.

It's about 6:25 a.m. I'm awake because my sleep was interrupted by a bizarre nightmare. So bizarre, I don't even take it seriously. And I usually take my dreams very seriously even though I dream every single time I sleep. If I take an ordinary nap, I 'll definitely have a dream, no matter how short. Blame it on an extremely over active mind. So I get up to use the bathroom. I'm back now. I'm thinking of that article Dr. Ola, CEO of Flying Doctors wrote on Bella Naija. She titled it 'The Myth of The Runz Girl'. I don't remember the title so well right now and I don't care. Oh, if you follow me on Twitter, you would know I tweeted something about it. Anyway, I'm slightly upset because of that article.

First of all, Myth and Runz are not words to be used together. No, never. You can't just sit in your corner of the world where you are really successful and pretend like all is perfect with the world. IT IS NOT. All isn't perfect, that is. I know I blogged about such naivety HERE and how it is sometimes what it is, naivety. But this issue is just as glaring as the fact that Barack Obama is the president of the United States of America. Every body knows that right? One can't even be too sure. Does Dr. OLA  know that there are women right there in Nigeria who actually hawk their bodies for money? Now when I mean hawk; they parade their bodies at night on popular streets with the hopes of getting customers either for some minutes, hours, or perhaps 'till day break'. And when the said customers come, there are sometimes bargaining and negotiations that may make you think you are in an abattoir or mile 2/12 or your local market and price is being haggled over a piece of meat.

Now, that is the lowest stage. Move from there to the Universities. At the risk of giving too much information, I believe that 1 out of every, say 20 girls in Universities (excluding perhaps private Universities) must have either lived with a Runz girl or attended classes with one. Let's go ahead to define this term; Runz Girls! Quite simple; girls who sleep with men for financial gains. It happens vice versa too. Sometimes, where men sleep with women for money. But we are dealing right now with Dr. Ola's article and that was about Runz Girls. Does Dr. Ola know that there are girls about my age in their early twenties, scratch that, teenagers in fact, who sleep with men older than their Dads? Sometimes for something as petty as the latest mobile device and gadgets? Sometimes for fancier things like trips to Dubai. Personally, I never knew any girl who ever got things like trips abroad. However, I knew and still know tons of girls who slept with all shapes and sizes of men for flimsy things like 5,000 Naira cash or Brazilian/Mongolan/Peruvian hair or at the time BlackBerry was a craze, a Blackberry phone. Some got trips to bars, clubs, maybe the cinema but like I said, I never knew any personally who maybe got a car or a trip abroad. But I'm sure there are other people who know such people. Wait a minute, did Dr. Ola watch the last season of Shuga? Because the character Sophie and her sister were NOT figments of anybody's imagination. That's usually the case. Only, not many Runz Girls are as lucky, to have a 'maga' as rich as Solomon. Actually, if you look closely at that word 'maga', you will realize the men aren't really 'magas'. Does Dr. Ola know that some Runz Girls come from quite comfortable homes, maybe not rich but you know, comfortable enough and that sometimes these girls just lack contentment? Apologies to you Runz Girls but no reason, not even poverty which I abhor quite a lot (and wish very much that it should be eradicated) can justify prostitution. Because, let's not mince words here.

Now, Dr. Ola made mention of Runz Girls being overestimated or something like that. What she meant was they really aren't as many as people think they are. I actually just laughed at that thought. Look around Miss. Just look closely around. Even some professionals, yes. Women who actually have jobs that pay. People do these things. C'mon Doc. People sleep with their bosses sometimes to gain office favors, sometimes for money. Politicians can tell you more Doc. They may know better than me. So, Doc, you are very well respected. Your vision and your achievements inspire my brother quite a lot and frankly, they inspire me too but look around. Look closely.

People, women like you, like some of our mothers and female cousins and big sisters and Marissa Mayer (I just had to add her hehe) remind us that hard work pays. They remind us that we don't need to do our bodies such dishonor. And I agree with you, that many women who, in fact work hard for everything they own have been mistaken for being Runz Girls, sometimes because of their glamorous lives. And that there, is a big shame. You deserve to treat yourself to the best when you have earned it by working hard and smart, and by using your brain. I know there's the argument that Runz Girls work hard too and they use their brains but c'mon you know what I mean. Lol.

Like I said Dr. Ola, no disrespect whatsoever but look around. Look closely.

It is is now 7:21 a.m.and I think I still want to nap a bit. Have a great February you all, and let's all remember to be content with whatever God has blessed us with.

Love,
I.