Book of the Month: An American Marriage

I honestly need to title this post, book of the year. This is definitely the best book I read this year—by any measure. First, praise God I am back to fictions and this is what you would describe as back with a bang. I love how it is both deep and lighthearted. Whatever you have heard about the book, it lives up to and surpasses that hype. I first heard about this book this past summer on The View. Joy Behar recommended it, and because Joy Behar is all of our aunties in our head, you know we gotta listen to her. Also it was on Obama’s summer reading list…uhm that’s enough reason it.

An American Marriage tells the story of a couple through different people’s points of view.  As this new couple, Roy and Celeste begin life of marital bliss, they are thrown into an unfortunate, external circumstance beyond their control.  While they were visiting Roy’s parents in Louisiana, Roy is arrested and eventually sentenced to twelve years in prison for a crime his wife is certain he didn’t commit.  This event would shape the rest of their lives, and this book shows us how they navigate its aftermath, with some glimpse at life before this inauspicious event. While Roy is in prison, Celeste finds some comfort in the hands of her childhood friend, Andre (who is also Roy’s childhood friend!) and ahem a relationship ensues. Now a few years after, Roy’s conviction is overturned, and he returns home to resume his life but…bloop, so much has occurred. I know it looks like I already told the whole story, but I promise I haven’t. So much more happens. Plus all of this was on the cover of the book, so I gatchu.

But that’s what makes it such a good book: it’s not just that such life altering events happened, it’s the HOW. It’s the style of story telling, and the way the author draws you into the minds of every character, because somehow you empathize with ALL of them, but you are also furious at them. She created real characters. And oh God, I have so much about to say about each and every one of them, but I also don’t want to spoil the book. So this is an ideal book for a book club because there is a lot to unpack. There is also a lot about culture in America’s South. It’s about the juxtaposition of families and upbringing. And of course, there is racial injustice and discrimination, and the complexities of our justice system in this country. Normally a book like this would have you think it’s about to tackle the complexities of American justice system, but nope it goes beyond to examine the way it destroys souls and families. It is very, very well written, and is able to delve on a lot about black experience in America without seeming like that’s what it is doing. The book is about love, and about hurt, and about friendship.  I’m currently writing this post while traveling in the South so I feel an extra connection. Buhahaha. No. Seriously, this is also quite easy to read, so you never want to drop it. Trust me on this.

If nothing, know that a book that got me to blog must be a good one. LOL

Also, YIKES, it is the last day of November, unbelievable! 2018 is about to end and it has been a great year. So good, I want to break my own rule and do an "in memory of..." post. But then again, I might be too lazy/busy to actually write one. Hmmmn, we'll see.

Love,

I

P.S: I'm looking for Christians who have changed churches as young adults. What prompted this change? Why did you do it? And how? If you have, please let me know!

Happy Thanksgiving Plus Meet Patricia

Y'all, Happy Thanksgiving!

My family entrusted the turkey to me, and not to humble brag but it turned out pretty dope; especially in pictures. I mean I almost got frost bite from defrosting the 14 pound bird, and I have a big gash on my finger from a cut, but turkey was delicious so it was all worth it. So I brought pictures. After pictures more words to be said below. But enjoy. This is not a food blog so let's not bother with a recipe? But if you see this, and love it, email me and I will send a detailed and elaborate recipe to you. It has a Naija tweak to it (which means well spiced and delicious).

Look at that bad bird, huh? We named her Patricia. Poor thing. Anyway, moving on.

Not to bring down the mood, but a popular entertainer and OAP, the Voice of Lagos, Tosyn Bucknor passed away this week from complications of sickle cell. Now, of course I didn't know her personally, but it just hit me so hard. The worst part about death, like I posted on Instagram is how everyone just moves on with their life. Like someone just lost their sister, someone just lost their best friend, someone just lost their daughter, and yeah people posted and stuff, but then life carried on. In fact, some of her own friends went ahead to post about random things that same day after they had publicly posted their sadness about her death. But life had to continue, people had to work...you know? We are here one minute, and poof the next one. So, you are really on your own. So better live your best life (and I don't really like this phrase haha). But really, do your best to live your best life. Love hard. Laugh harder. And really, just chill. Try to be there for people you love.

Okay, that's it for the day. Sorry I didn't have a more inspiring post. My thanksgiving post last year was equal parts deep and thoughtful, so check that out. Happy thanksgiving again, guys! And if I never come back here before Christmas, well then, haha. Kidding. I probably will be. God willing.

Now let me go cradle my food baby while having a glass of wine.

Love,

I

Friday Reflection

1.) When a stranger decides to destroy your life.

2.) Such important message from Jane Fonda on love, hate, empathy, fear, forgiveness, and growing old.

3.) Tammy Duckworth, on being a new mom at 50; the first Senator to give birth while in office; and the first female amputee in the Senate.

4.) I felt this video (about women with different salaries and their anxiety about money) to my CORE; Way too real. But it is also the PERFECT example of how fleeting money is...no matter what you earn.

5.) Njideka Akunyili Crosby, daughter of former NAFDAC chief, Dora Akunyili is now somewhat of a superstar in the art world, with paintings selling for $3 million. This article tells a little bit of her story from Enugu to Los Angeles, California.

6.) "To not be political is to be political", Timothy Keller says in the New York Times op ed. His argument is that Christians don't fit into the two party system, and I am very inclined to agree.

7.) "I am black and I'm a member of the 1%" Check out this feature on some of the richest black people in America.

8.) Everything you could possibly want to know about therapy

Defining Home

My friend, M got married on the last day of August. Now, since she is practically a sister to me, this meant I had to visit Nigeria after a VERY long time. Coincidentally, on our way back, M, her husband, siblings-in-law, and I were all on the same plane. After the most chaotic airport experience in Lagos, we briefly talked about what home meant. How could home be so...hostile? Annoying? Stressful? In addition, the woman that sat near me from Lagos to Paris narrated her frustrations with the system in Lagos and vowed to not return home.

Interestingly, before all of this, the Luvvie situation got me thinking a lot about what home meant to me. Some background on the Luvvie story: Luvvie made a joke on Twitter (like most people do) about an African American musician. And before anyone could say Jack Robinson, people (some African Americans) questioned her blackness, told her to return home to Africa. The same sentiments of neo-nazis, really. People deemed her unqualified to speak on African American culture and pretty much told her she wasn't black enough. The same way the neo-nazi would say those of us with darker skin hues would never be American enough. Now, all of this was said to Luvvie who moved to America when she was just 9; whose formative years were all in America; and who frankly, probably has no recollection of the Lagos/Nigeria she left behind. To better understand the Luvvie story, check it out here. Is it possible some Africans haven't educated themselves enough on racial history and black American culture? Hell yes. But when white people say I'm not American enough, and black people say I'm not black enough, you know I gotta sit and think about where and what home is. What does home mean to me?

Lagos will always be home. By default. Yet somehow I had a more difficult time fitting in that I thought. I thought it would be a perfect fit like my pajamas. But I had forgotten roads and struggled to identify major places. I passed by my secondary (high) school and felt no tinge of nostalgia. The driving drove me crazy and the potholes worsened my motion sickness. Is it weird to say people just...stared...a LOT? Nonetheless, Lagos was still familiar. I took a local flight from Lagos to Port Harcourt, and the pilot introduced himself (or herself, can't remember now), it was weirdly cool for me that it was a Nigerian name. That everyone knew how to rightly say my name. All of that felt...normal.

The funny thing is I'm probably (almost certainly) not as American as Luvvie. This means that the African Americans who abused Luvvie would definitely tell me to go back home. And for a minute during the Luvvie debacle, I started to wonder if I would ever be accepted in America. After all, people still ask, where are you from? And when I tell them where my family lives in America. They say, no, where are you really from? Hmmm interesting. America is home. America is where my family is. America is where my phone automatically connects to wifi. Hell, I am incredibly privileged to have more than one home in America. America is where I found a career[path] I love. America is where I found my voice; where I better understood justice and equality. America is where I truly understood my spirituality, and frankly, where I re-found God. America gave me a world class education. No one can take that from me. Ever.

When we landed in Charles de Gaulle airport and I saw my city on one of those announcement TVs with our time of departure to the United States, I screamed, “home, soon!”

A week before then, when I was landing in Lagos and I saw the view of the cityline, I thought “home, again!”

I'm incredibly lucky and privileged to have more than one home, and the world is globalized such that it doesn't or shouldn't matter as much anymore. Home is where my heart is. Home is when I am with people I love. Home transcends bigoted views. And make no mistake, I am black, blackity black, blackity blackity black. That my progenitors were not slaves does not and will never nullify my blackness. So what does home mean to me? No other person can define what home is to me. Home is wherever the hell I want it to be.

Love,

I

Contentment

One reason I rarely blog is because I feel like I have to say something grand all the time. This is of course ridiculous; just write is often is advice. To be fair, the main reason for my absence is busyness. I am busy; am I ever not? Are we ever not?

I just took what was my last exam ever (I think for the rest of my life), and let me say, I feel relieved. Relief. Joy. Hope. Excitement. I will be honest, it was an all encompassing, thorough, and HARD exam. But I am grateful to God because it represents an advancement in my career.

I am taking a few hours to not think; you know, re-watch Grey's Anatomy from season one, or maybe West Wing? Who knows? I just need to chill.

I have been wanting to blog about contentment for a while, and today feels like a good day to talk about it. I remember reading in my September devotional that we often conflate what we want with what we need. The Bible says we really only need food, clothing, and shelter.  But then we crave more and more and more. If you took away competing with people you know, showing off and the likes, would you find you have all you need? Could you actually enjoy all you have without an audience? Without anyone liking or validating your experiences?

Satisfaction should not be found in money. Money is meant to provide our needs, the needs of others, and an opportunity to give back to God as an act of worship. In Philippians 4:15-19, Paul mentioned he was content. When all the gifts they sent were enough, Paul said, enough, and kind of returned the rest rather than acquire more and more and more. Now, I don't mean to badger pastors (because frankly, it's trite to keep abusing pastors every time Lol) but our current spiritual leaders never say they have had enough. They continue to acquire and acquire and acquire. We live in a world with no contentment whatsoever. Everyone of us is freaking greedy.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his riches in glory." Verse 19.

This part, he has proven to many of us over and over again. We can trust that God will meet our every need. His generosity exceeds ours exponentially, so there is no need to worry.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for moment, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs."  
- 1 Timothy 6: 6 - 10

This one is filled with many truths: we came with nothing to this world and will leave with nothing. So why can't we be content with with what we have and especially when we have enough? Why do we get carried away? The temptation to acquire more and get more can lead us into more temptation and make us get carried away. When the truth is we will leave this world with nothing.

Maybe this will give us rest and peace. We need to know that peace comes from God; security comes from God not money. Forget competing with friends,  forget living your life just so others can have a certain perception of you. Stand your ground on principle and don't be afraid of being different.

"I can't afford it"  is a perfect response.

True godlinesses with contentment is itself great wealth. Longing too desperately to be rich can push you to be trapped by harmful desires that plunge you into ruin and destruction. Don't we see this everywhere? People will do just about anything, and I mean, anything for money. For fame. For attention. I don't know that a lot of people can live without attention.  Let people think what they want, but live with your means and on your terms. All of this is of course, counter-culture. Even spiritual leaders want to fly in private jets and own as many cars as the colors of the rainbow. So feel free to ignore this, but know that we can strive and strive and strive, ultimately except we get peace from God, it will be chasing the unattainable. You will find that no amount of cars, designer clothes, Instagram likes and comments can feed the giant hole in your heart.

Yeah, I'm telling it like it is today, sorry.

Love,

I

Book of the Month: When Affirmative Action Was White

We read this book for my book club and I knew it had to be book of the month. The title tells you a lot about what the book is about. The author, an actual academic, traces history by detailing how economic and social policies in America’s history excluded black folks and were racist. This is truly the perfect book for the people who always complain about affirmative action. But it also is ideal for Africans and others who genuinely thing African Americans are merely lazy or complain way too much.

Instead of viewing affirmative action as developing after the civil rights movement, this book goes back in history to the New Deal policies of the 1930s and 1940s. Also, ask most folks and they will tell you affirmative action was designed with a bias for minorities. However, history is truly missing from public debates about affirmative action, because people often start the conversation with the 1960s, when beneficiaries shifted from white to black. This book details how social security programs like the New Deal, GI Bill, the Fair Deal created powerful programs for whites, even if they were not explicitly called affirmative action at the time.  History will also show you that affirmative action was in fact designed for the majority, with and (by?) racist Southern Democrats who were in support of staunch racial hierarchy. Before the civil rights movement at all, policies were created to enable the prosperity of whites and deliberately leaving out blacks. For instance, while the Fair Labor Standards Act was great for factory workers, it was practically useless for maids and agricultural workers, the fields that were dominated by blacks, and this was because of the Southern Democrats. Reading this book makes you feel like going back some decades just to punch those racist, annoying, moronic Southern Democrats.

What this book does well is making a case for how and why we need to close racial inequality; rather than ambiguities like "reparations", which are messy, and quite frankly not feasible, isn't it better to enact policies that benefit minorities and *attempt* close the gap that racism and slavery and discrimination have created? Let's face it: although the Civil Rights Acts in theory shut down and forbade discrimination, it didn't address the centuries of discrimination black people had gone through. So President Lyndon Johnson initiated a new government policy, affirmative action, designed to repair some of the lasting damage that years of racism, slavery, and brutal discrimination inflicted upon blacks. And there was and (there still is) damage. While white folks or perhaps some others might find some of the contents of this book shocking, I didn't. I knew for instance, that for the longest time, blacks were excluded from receiving mortgage loans. This meant that while whites were able to build equity through owning homes and thereby multiplying their net worths, blacks were stuck. Consequently,

"at the end of the twentieth century, as a major study reported, 'the net worth of the typical white family is $81,000 compared to $8,000 for black families...only 10 cents for every dollar of wealth held by white families."

Black families have still not caught up. And with what was lost, you can see how it is easy for a white person to go to college and a black person wouldn't be able to. You can understand where privilege comes in. Privilege is many, many things, that one blog post can't cover, but one of them is never having to worry about the color of your skin being a hinderance to your progress. Privilege is having a trust fund for your education created by your father's father's father, whereas another person's father's father was restricted in the kinds of schools he could go; or the kinds of water fountains he could use. There are also *still* tons of policies that exist in favor of white people, but work against black people. Even post Civil Rights Acts, truth is (and this is especially for all the people with the rallying cry against affirmative action because it favors black people yen yen yen) white women as group are the single greatest beneficiaries of affirmative action.

One thing that stands out is how, although the book is more than a decade old, it actually feels fresh, like it was written this year. My favorite part of this book is how it is able to bridge the divide between policy and academia; it fits very well into both worlds. Of course as a true academic, he concludes with policy recommendations for American policymakers in their dealings with the legacies of these policies by reexamining the original vision of  Lyndon Johnson and affirmative action itself.

I put some excerpts in form of pictures across this post to truly give you a better picture. I will warn that the book is a little bit dense, but that's to be expected in a book by an academic. I implore you to read it though, because I couldn't possibly adequately explain the importance of this book in this era, and indeed for posterity as we have conversations surrounding race.

Love,

I

Friday Reflections

1.) How to conquer negative thinking and give in to hope.

2.) How to sharpen your concentration for bible reading...or really, any reading. I read a lot of journal articles and book as part of work, and frankly this was helpful for that too.

3.) This excerpt from Lisa Brennan's (the eldest child of Steve Jobs) memoir makes me think he was an annoying or worse, horrible person.

4.) Okay this essay on motherhood was equal parts breathtaking and terrifying.

5.)  What happens to #Metoo when a feminist is accused?  I don't know where to begin with that story. Why do people have no sense of boundaries? Why are we so readily okay with allowing people into our personal spaces?

6.) Know that if some random person addresses an email to me with "my beautiful and astounding Ife", or "my sweet baby"...in a PROFESSIONAL SPACE? I too would report it as sexual harassment. Please people, keep work spaces distinct from personal spaces.

7.) If the emails in that story happened, then the accused is nothing but a BIG CREEP, who thinks she can hide under the guise of being a hippie or "queer". Get outta here with that.

8.) Also since when did it become okay to blame the victim, just because he is a man or because your creep of a colleague is a "global feminist star with keen wit"?

9.) Sandra Oh is one of the BEST actresses on TV. She also is a fave because she played my best character ever, Cristina Yang, MD. Read this article where she talks about her recent Emmy nomination and her love for self.

10.) I always wondered what it was about Beyoncé, and why everyone idolized and adored her. I kinda see it now after reading this. She truly is a force. And I love how she mentioned generational curses. Too many people are walking around with the sins of their ancestors and progenitors hanging over them.

11.) The world has finally caught up to Jane Fonda.

12.) "This is personal", Steph Curry says about feminism and the fight for equality.

13.) The role of faith and modern belief in Africa

14.) If these seem to be a combination of both old and recent events, it's because I sometimes have these post in draft for monthsss (without posting) haha and keep updating it.

15.) Also, I am posting "Friday" Reflections on Saturday because I haven't gone an entire week without traveling in quite a while and I am exhausted and sleep deprived, so I can basically do what I like.

16.) JK. I forgot to post it yesterday. No kidding about being tired though.