What Does Love Look Like? Answering With Help from bell hooks

Love. Love. Love, baby. Let’s get all intellectual about love. If anything could both be underrated AND overrated, it would be this bad boy called love. Love encompasses our society. It touches our soul, and our heart, and yet, it is so delicate we don’t really know what to do with it. There is an implicit assumption that we just know how to love even though no one ever really teaches us how to. Enter bell hooks. Now, I have to preface this—especially as a Christian woman—by saying bell hooks is not the authority on love nor does she have the final say on love. Her book, All About Love, just shows she has given a lot of thought into love, and she shares those insights. She provides an intellectual take on the concept of love, but we are going to attempt to simplify it in this post so that every day we embody love to the best of our abilities.

Let's get started.  What is love? The biblical definition of love conceptualizes it as more than a feeling and more than an emotion. It is so much deeper and richer and involves how we relate to others around us. As 1 Corinthians 13 show us, love is patient, kind, bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things, never fails, rejoices with the truth, believes all things. Even writing this out is making me…cringe. Love can’t just be all these things because it almost feels like.. a LOT, right? Also how does this look like on a day to day basis? What does this mean for us? 

This is especially because, as bell hooks says in her book, it seems like people are afraid to love, afraid to give themselves completely to another person. But love—and apologies for how cringey this may sound—must overcome all your fears. You must never give up on love even in the face of astronomical odds. The risks of love have been framed as so significant that so many people encourage sexual pleasure without emotional investment. They relinquish the possibility of love and as a mechanism for the fear beneath this, they boast of seeking interactions without the investment of love; seeking sexual relations without intimacy and emotional connections; they adorn cynicism as a tool to shield disappointment and betrayal.  But in the long run, is it even worth it? 

On Love, Relationships, Dating, and Marriage: Why You Really Should Never Settle For Less

When you are an unmarried woman in your late twenties, you get a lot of unsolicited advice on love, marriage, and relationships. If we are being honest, if you are an unmarried woman of any age, you do get a lot of unsolicited advice on what's causing you to be so single, as if being single is a disease. When you are an unmarried woman, and if by some misfortune you are an unmarried Nigerian woman who is supposed to be married but isn't, it's a double whammy. This is interesting because a lot of Nigerian marriages are not exactly the most alluring situation that a person should want or desire. I mean, for the most part many of the wives are glorified slaves in makeshift roommate situations they call marriages (through no fault of theirs of course). But I understand that the fastest way to get some modicum of respect in Nigeria is to at least be married. Otherwise, you are not respected in your own house. But also landlords would not allow you rent their houses. People would think you have no "covering", and yes I have heard people tell me that even their friends would preface the simplest stuff with, well you're not married, so you don't understand. Fortunately for me, although I am technically an unmarried Nigerian woman, I don't have to experience most of the above listed things because I have the privilege to also be an unmarried American woman. I don't live in a society that pressures me to get married, and frankly American women are marrying later than usual. It still does not mean that unmarried American women do not get unsolicited advice from people, worrying about why they are sooo unmarried. Let me say that whether or not this concern comes from a good place does not eradicate the fact that asking why someone is so single can come across as  sounding like to be single is to have the plague.

Go out more

Put yourself out there

Your standards are too high

But you never know, he could be the one (said about the most basic guy).

A more polite  bunch of questions I tend to ask my unmarried friends is, how is the dating life? Is marriage something you're interested in? I also make sure to never ever suggest that they just are not doing enough to combat singleness. Yuck.

To marry someone is to be tethered to that person for the rest of your life. Even when you carefully make this decision, the chances of making a wrong one are still incredibly high. Human beings suck. They are unreliable. They are angry. They are badly behaved. They suck. Still a lot of us want to marry. Nay, a lot of us need to marry. We have the unfortunate luck to have been created to desire companionship. It's primal. Beyond that however, many of us need the financial strength that comes from combining your assets (or debt) with someone else's. We need to couple up. That's okay. What is not okay is to lose yourself in the process.

When I was younger, I always wondered how a couple could get divorced even when there had been no infidelity. Now I know better. Now, I know there are so many reasons to decide that you would rather die than remain married to a toxic person. This is why before even getting to the marriage stage, make sure that  no matter the advice people give you, no matter the cajoling, if you do not feel like dating a person or marrying them, do not do it. Even if your wedding is next week, do not do it. Our instincts are powerful. In Lade Tawak's newsletter this week, she mentioned a powerful essay in The Paris Review that inspired this post. The autobiographical essay by a writer and professor tells a story of the events that transpire in the author's life shortly after breaking her engagement. It also gives us a glimpse into what life was like in said relationship. Spoiler alert: it was terrible. When you read that essay, you will first agree that some people are really terrible human beings. But you'll also see how easy it is for you to lose yourself. We always think we are doing too much when we desire what we want. We don't want to hurt people, or offend them. As a woman, it is so easy to give up on standards and values that matter to you. It is so easy to convince yourself that you're overthinking it when in fact this person is treating you like trash: the truth is if you find yourself crying all the time; if you have to wonder if the person you're with loves you; if your boyfriend sleeps with your mutual friend or frankly with anyone other than you, don't be pressured into acting like it's fine so he thinks you're cool, it is not fine.

It's incredibly easy to allow people mold you into what you are not, especially if like me you have strong opinions about life and people living in it. If you are also very unlike me and have no strong opinions about anything, do not let anyone bully you into being what you are not: an opinionated, strong-willed person. Whatever you desire in a life partner is what you should demand. The double whammy of being a woman and an African (or black or person of color etc.), I realize, is that we are always afraid of being too much. Our white counterparts never are. When my Uncle recently asked me why I stopped blogging or why I sort of reduced the intensity of my blog's voice, I said I worried about being too much. I said I didn't want to be that person either among friends or on cyberspace. I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. This is BS.  The same way it is BS to cower or compromise on what you desire in a life partner, like respect, love, honor. In a lot of African homes, women are groomed for men. Maybe not explicitly, but on days you didn't do your chores or maybe didn't do it well, you're told "is that how you will behave when you're in your husband's house?" I know men were never told this. So a lot of what you do can be a result from how you're socially conditioned. If you're too bookish, if you like a good political argument, a tiny part of you starts to wonder if that would discourage a potential husband. If you don't like certain things, you start to wonder how that would seem to the man you are supposed to marry.

If you are unmarried (I am deliberate with using the term unmarried), make a list of the most important values to you. Does he have to share the same religion? Does he have to be diligent in that religion? Is it okay that you are feminist but your romantic partner thinks women don't matter? Is he a card carrying Republican who thinks black people make too much noise about "racial issues" and voted for Trump, but you are a pro-choice liberal feminist who thinks AOC is too moderate? Now that makes for a good storyline in a movie, but you won't work in real life. These shared values, lifestyle, principles are what matters, more than whether he is from a particular country or the color of his or her skin, interestingly. Of course, their background plays into aforementioned factors. And even if a person shares all of the exact values as you do, and looks exceedingly great on paper, but you just either do not find them attractive or perhaps there is just something missing, do not let people around you bully you into dating/marrying them anyway. Listen to counsel sure, but most counsel on marriage is more about getting you coupled up by all means than about a genuine concern for your romantic life.

You can extend these principles to friendships too. My father always says (I can literally start any piece of writing with my father always says or my mother always says because they literally always say haha) a friendship that is not mutual is not friendship. I am reevaluating my own relationships, and while I always struggle with trying to live as Jesus would and trying not to be too selfish,  I have started to create too much allowances for people. Yet people are fairly predictable. If you bend you back, they WILL ride against it. I think my father said that too. So yes, be a little selfish. If someone only calls on you when they need you, sometimes, don't answer them. If you think someone is treating you like trash, they probably are. And they can gaslight you from now till next year, It doesn't change the fact that they are mistreating you. This goes especially for women. Even if you are old and grey, do not let anyone blackmail you: treating you terribly but rewarding you with the promise of marriage to keep you hanging. There are so many men on God's green earth, you will find another.

And never ever be afraid or ashamed to say you desire love. That you need love. That you want love. And don't be afraid to want to be loved a particular way. If you can be loved by the Almighty God in the most glorious way, then you don't deserve mediocre love.

This is a long way to say for something so complicated, relationships can also be fairly straightforward and predictable. You are worthy of a great love, don't settle for less than that.

Love,

I

P.S: I think I'm really, really back to blogging. I say this a lot but I'm ready to take this seriously so watch this space, and follow the blog on Instagram. Lots and lots of contents coming your way :-) Especially long form, life essays like this one (this would be really awkward if you hated this or hate long essays haha but yes, let me know if your style is more short and simple and we can do that too!).

When Thoughts and Prayers Won't Do

I have accepted that life comes with a good deal of the good and the bad. It’s very healthy to wade through life with that mindset. Yet sometimes the bad is so staggering it can eclipse all the wonderful good. Such was the case on May 24 when NINETEEN children and their teachers died mercilessly one afternoon in Uvalde, Texas. How could? How can? How? Just how. And now, where do we go from here?

Whenever there is a tragedy in the U.S, especially a shooting, the first thing a lot of lawmakers and regular citizens alike say is, “our thoughts and prayers are with [the victims]…” Now, ordinarily this is fine. Prayers are great. Thoughts too are fine. It is also especially great when you feel helpless, because prayers are anything but useless. Prayers are powerful. I know for sure I would not be here without prayers. But when the people literally—LITERALLY—in charge of making the law and changing them where necessary also parrot the line without any bite to it, you begin to wonder. When they are joining us to express moral outrage online even though they have all the power to do something, your blood boils even faster. Forget putting out statements, forget tweeting, get TO WORK. Pick up your pen and fix this and make your coworkers do the dang work too. DO something. We the people can’t really do much. We can grieve, and use our voices and vote, but you are the ones with the actual power to do something. How can you waste such a privilege, such power? 

Fight Fight Fight: Resisting Fascism and the Tyranny of Fear

Every time another policy is implemented or there is a rhetoric out there from America’s political right with a unique purpose to dehumanize people and strip them of their dignity, what angers me the most is that these people do it in the name of the Lord. It angers me to measures I can’t possibly describe. 

When I woke up in Nairobi on November 6, 2024, and saw this man won the election again, I was in disbelief. I was terrified. I knew of the impending danger. And yet, even I didn’t think it would be this despicable. In less than three weeks, they have unleashed terror like never before imagined. He has made himself king. He has put such cracks on the foundations of our democratic institutions that sometimes I pinch myself to ask if this is still America. All of this is done with an intention. So much so that I’ve seen people just give up. I’ve watched colleagues live with fear. I’ve seen people lose hope. Our Democratic elected leaders also took too much time to lick their wounds. Too many lives will be impacted. Too many people are confused. I didn’t understand either, why it seemed like evil was winning. Why it seemed like the wicked was prospering. Why it seemed like the wicked enjoyed a life of ease while the marginalized, the oppressed, the voiceless continued to suffer.

I Went Without Sugar for 30 Days: A Sugar-Free Challenge With Meaning

A few months ago, I came across a YouTube video where the vlogger had gone an entire year without sugar. I posted it on Friday Reflections. I remember thinking this is not possible. How I drew the line from that thinking to embarking on a no-sugar challenge still eludes me. I know I love a good challenge so entering into a new year, I decided to try it. So here goes, I went without sugar for 30 days. When I say "without sugar", I mean without any added sugar or processed sugar. So of course, I still ate fruits since the sugar in fruits in naturally occurring. This challenge was a while ago in January but you know me and writing about stuff. Anyway, let's get into it.  At first, I kept  a “diary” to keep track of my feelings around everything going on, but soon it became repetitive so I just stopped. That said, please excuse the fact that my tenses below are all over the place. On some days, I wrote in real time. On others, I wrote in the evening in retrospect. I could edit it to have consistent tenses, but then it would sound and feel weird and inauthentic. The alternative is to leave as is. I chose that option.

Day 1:

Much Ado About Hiding Your Significant Other Online: Should You or Should You Not?

We haven't had a book of the month SINCE MAY. And none of it is my fault. For some reason, everyone is interested in reading the same books I want to read.  There are 194 people waiting for a book I have on hold at the library (they only have 24 copies). And then, another book I have on hold has about 150 people waiting (they only have 20 copies or so). I really don't want to buy a new book so here we are. I will admit that the past couple of weeks have been really busy for me so maybe it's good? I don't know. I plan on going back to really old books that have never been featured on this blog so watch out for that. 

Alright here we go. What are we ranting about today? Nothing really. I wanted to write about billionaires and the obscene idolizing of rich people. But quite frankly, I'm too tired. While this post will be published on a Tuesday, it is being written on a Sunday morning so yes, I am too tired to rant about that on this beautiful, peaceful day of the Lord. Instead we will rant about something else.

I am bringing you a topic I already talked a little about on Instagram. 

A few weeks ago, Issa Rae got married. Yay her. Good for her.  But it was apparently a surprise wedding? I'm not entirely sure about that because I know we all knew she was engaged but Issa Rae has always presented an allure of extreme privacy; secrecy, if you will. Apparently, that's something people respect a LOT. Because all over the interwebs, people started preaching about the virtue of "moving in silence"  and how much better Issa Rae is for not showing us her boyfriend/fiancé/husband all this time. Even though her posting this man (AND her wedding) is what prompted this conversation. Even though this man has walked red carpets with her. Even though she had talked about him in interviews. But all of a sudden, people started talking about the virtue of secrecy, how you should never share, and how social media is not the place to talk about the good things of your life. Weird flex.

Wait a hot minute. By the way, before we move on, this (right here, what is happening in this post) is why I can't have a niche for this blog because I talk about too much nonsense. But moving on. 

I had been entirely confused and thought I was alone in this confusion before people started posting my thoughts and basically articulated what I was thinking. Someone said,

"Before you start projecting your own relationship onto Issa's and going on about 'moving in silence' and 'popping up married' please remember you're not famous and literally no one cares about who you're dating and you should probably post your partner if it makes them feel good." - @austinxwill on Twitter.

LISTEN.

I preach against social media A LOT but like most things, it is a tool. And it is one that can be wielded for good and for evil. However, using social media to celebrate the people in your life doesn't seem like the worst thing in the world to me. I should know, I do it a lot. And I can tell you for a fact that people LOVE to be celebrated. They may not be as generous as to celebrate others but it doesn't stop them from receiving it or even desiring it. So what is all this nonsense about hiding things? As with most things, it can be traced back to fear. 

I think, like @judnikki on Twitter said, it is extremely pathetic that you're afraid of showing off your partner because of other people's opinions. It is in fact cowardly. Even if it does not work out eventually, so what? Why should you be embarrassed because you were IN LOVE. It doesn't mean you failed and frankly, it doesn't mean the relationship failed. It just ended. We have to change the conversation around stuff like this. For most people, the fact that things went sour doesn't mean it was never good nor does it take away from the good and amazing times you had.  

Now, most importantly: WE DO NOT CARE. At the core of most people, they don't care. Yea, sure they talk about it for a minute, but they don't care. It's not even up to a WHOLE month that Issa got married and everyone has moved on. That's right; we have better things to do (this is awkward, since I'm quite literally basing an entire post off it. I swear, I also have better things to do😔😔). I love what Denola Grey tweeted:

"Post you boo. Don't post your boo. Reveal them on your wedding day. Don't reveal them. But if you're following an inaccurately perceived blueprint from a public figure who you have no access to personally, you might want to try some autonomy. There is way more scrutiny, on a large scale in celeb couplings. Which is why some certain precautions and dedication to privacy are taken and tailored to the individuals involved in a celebrity coupling. if you're not a public figure, the scrutiny is objectively less."

He didn't stop there:

"The obsession with how people hide their SO or whatever logistics are involved in perceived extreme privacy is so weird."

Most people really do not care as much as you think. I will give you one better, most people do not have the time to care. So please, if you want to share, please share. Ignore this nonsense "move in silence". I am a little nosy, yes, but more than that I love good news. I want to see the joy on your face with your partners, your babies, your friends, your families. Joy. Love. why would you not want to share that? Do you think we only want to read about racism, depression, anxiety, wickedness every single day? Come on.

For me particularly, I don't think anyone gives an eff whether or not my picture is online. For better or worse, I don't have a sense of self-importance AT ALL. I am not deluded into thinking some "hater" somewhere cares how I move or whatever. I have realized that people are dealing with wayyy too much to care about random nonsense. I don't know if this is good or bad. I used to assume everyone else was like this. And me being me who loves to celebrate and cheer people on, whew it HAS been a thing  (is all I will say). I am learning that people move differently. I don't want to be seen as too much so now I just post me and me alone. But anyway, no I don't really believe in the concept of the "hater". [Alright, there is this one babe lowkey obsessed with me and my family. Otherwise, meh.] 

Let's be honest, privacy has an allure; all that mysteriousness, there is a seductiveness to it. Beyonce is a global power for many reasons, including she is one of the biggest pop stars of this generation (and generations to come), BUT one of the many reasons she is so adored is people just can't figure her out. It could work either way: people couldn't figure out Hilary Clinton and so they resorted to despising her. I'm saying, when people don't know you and they really want to, they obsess about you. 

If you genuinely want to keep certain aspects of your life hidden because you're  a little shy (which I get since I can be like that); or  maybe because you just actually suck at expressing yourself; or because you feel like your motives are wrong (perhaps you are also like me, chasing humility); or because you just honestly want to be considerate of other people's feelings (yes that's a thing. I can relate to it too cos I have decided not to post on certain days to protect people's feelings); then good, that's all okay and fine. You do you.

But if you don't want to post because you think using social media makes you uncool, you're lame. Or if you don't want to post because of fear, then you need to work on those feelings. You cannot let fear drive your life; whether that's fear of what people will say or fear of failure. And yes, I too, have been too afraid to post sometimes—though this is more about my radical opinions than pictures or my "private" life. 

Congrats to Issa. The rest of us: you don't have some moral high ground because you're "private". You are not curing cancer, sweetie. You fell in love. In the words of the legendary Ellis Grey, "anyone one can fall in love and be blindly happy..."

So should you or should you not? Well, it all depends, doesn't it?

Love,

I

The Daughters of Zelophehad, Equal Rights, Feminism, And Taking Control

You know how when you love a story, you tell it million times? I feel like that with today's blogpost. I have told it over and over again, and perhaps alluded to it a couple of times on this blog. And will probably allude to it a few million times. However, it's a good story so it gets a pass. It is one of my favorite stories in the Bible, and it can be very easily overlooked. It's not profound on the surface, until you dig deeper to really rethink the context surrounding it, and the times they lived in centuries ago in Biblical era. So what is this story, you say? Come along with me to the book of Numbers.

It was a dark, dreary night, and the moons roared. No. That's the beginning of a bad story. This one is good. Let's try again. The daughters of Zelophehad were five sisters, who were the children of...you guessed right, Zelophehad. I promise I will start the actual story now, for real. The story of these five sisters—whose names you don't necessarily need to know so you don't get overwhelmed—can be found in Numbers 27. We first met them when they petitioned Moses after the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and during the preparation into the new land. Now although it seemed like the Israelites were in limbo, neither in one land or the other, they actually had rules they lived by. There were laws. One of such laws was that only sons could inherit their fathers. Unfortunately for these babes, their father had no son.

Now some other person(s) would take the law for what it was, accept it, and move on. Some other person(s) would say, meh it's the law, what can we do about it anyway since the law is right. Not these babes. They took their case before Moses. You have to understand the amount of boldness it must have taken to do this. Even in the twenty first century, many women don't speak up. Women are less likely to be entitled and certainly less likely to go for what they want, because half the time we worry too much that people would misinterpret our intentions. Many people still believe women should be seen and not heard; that the place of the woman is in the kitchen. And sometimes, when we do speak up, no one listens. Not Moses, but we will come back to him later. Now, if women face so much barriers in the current world we live in, if women are deemed less than men in this century, can you imagine how bad it must have been in that society? Exactly. Whatever it was that fueled them, these girls went to Moses and the entire assembly to make their case. Why should the name of their father disappear from his clan just because he had no son?  See what they did there? The articulated the problem. But they didn't stop there. They knew exactly what they wanted and demanded a solution.

"Give us property along with the rest of our relatives." verse 4B

What I would give to be a fly on the wall in that room. Those men in the assembly would have been gobsmacked. That sort of astounding bravery and boldness from women was not commonplace in that era, and frankly a lot of men still don't know what to do with women like that. It's why people are shocked by Ocasio-Cortez. I mean, how dare she, a first-term congresswoman, be so outspoken? How come she doesn't cower and wait her turn and be generally timid like many women usually are? Ha.

Nevertheless, they persisted. 

Moses, being an amazing leader that he was (one of my favorites in the Bible) took their case to God. He didn't rely on his hubris as a prominent leader; as FRIEND of God; one whom God actually trusted. He didn't admonish them for being terrible children of God who just could not stick with the law. He accepted that ultimately God calls the shot. Your favorite pastors and Instagram Christians could never. They think they have the monopoly on the word of God and every other person can kiss their behind. But today is not the day I go in on your narcissistic, self-conceited, vanity filled Instagram pastors :-) That's for another day. Interestingly, but not at all surprising (because God is very pro-women as the Bible shows us in numerous ways), God sees reason in the argument of these sisters and grants them their wish.

"You MUST give them a grant of land along with their father's relatives. Assign them the property that would have been given to their father."- verse 7

The implication of this, if you must know is that, by asking Moses to give them what he would give the male relatives, God was saying those chicks were just as equal and able as the men.

The wildest part of this story is that because of the sisters, God gave a more general rule to the people of Israel.

"And give the following instructions to the people of Israel: if a man dies and has no son, then give his inheritance to his daughters...this is a legal requirement for the people of Israel, just as the Lord commanded Moses". verses 8, 11

Yeah, the laws were changed because of them. Because they dared to challenge the status-quo. Because they dared to challenge tradition, or y'alls favorite word, "culture". Reminding us again, that cultures do not make us, WE make culture. Reminding us again that a culture that insists on oppressing a segment of the population is not a culture that should remain. To be clear, if these women kept quiet and did nothing, nothing would have changed. But by speaking up, by being so radical, these women made history and broke barriers in women's rights. These women were counter culture. These women are feminist pioneers. They are, to me, my first and foremost feminist icons.

But more than feminism, these women show us the importance of taking action; of taking a hold of our lives. Too often, we just accept what comes to us or what happens to us without pushing back. Too often, we accept defeat too easily, and then go and sulk in a corner. Everybody hates me yen yen. Don't just sit back and let life happen to you. Fight back. Take this literally or metaphorically. Believe me when I say this, because it's been me too. I have lost the will to fight and I just accept whatever comes or is said to me. However, I don't know about you, but I refuse to cower or be subservient. At least not anymore. Push back.  That's my word/phrase for the remainder of this year: PUSH BACK.

Now, a caveat.  These women did not just go to Moses and the rest of the assembly without preparation. No, they armed themselves with knowledge. They knew the law and all the technicalities that came with it. If you must fight a thing, you must first know that thing. You must, excuse my french, know your shit. I don't care how afraid you are. Let that fear propel you. Let that fear push you. I'm now realizing that my fear can often be my greatest strength. Because when I'm afraid of something, that thing better be afraid. I would literally go without sleeping just to prepare for something if that's what it will take.  The result is that the times I have succeeded the most in this life were the times I had been deathly afraid. My point? You can be afraid of what people would say, or failure or whatever, but don't take defeat lying down. Use your agency, because no matter how little, we all have some.

Speak up, fight back, push back, because in this world you and I live in, if you don't, the silence will kill you.

Love, and a little bit of fierceness,

I

Why There is So Much Bullying, Abuse, and Harassment in Academia and What to do About It

This is funny (in an ironic way) because I had been meaning to write something (anything) here concerning academia, and here we are. It's a tough one, but aren't they all? This is a post about bullying, hazing, abuse, harassment in academia. I have countless stories to tell personally and I have begun to tell my stories in a lot of ways. It is important to me that I document some of what I went through because I don’t want to forget. I want it to be a reminder for me to always do better. ALWAYS. My friend even suggested I write a book about all I went through. Books are tedious and hard but blogs, not so much. So I will tell my story but today is not about me.

This past weekend, #academictwitter was ablaze. You may ask, "what is academic twitter"? It's simple, my friends. It's a part of Twitter where lots of academics (people with PhDs and/or who do academic research) share their research and work, resources, banter, stories, network and once in a while go batshit crazy. So it's basically analogous to Nigerian Twitter, Black Twitter, Astrology Twitter, Christian Twitter...look I'm making this up as I go but you get the point.  I should mention that I have not been particularly fond of nor was I really a part of academic twitter. If I do Tweet in that Twittersphere (please tell me we still use words like this) it's mostly to criticize the institution of academia. I also would like to assume that even within academic twitter, there are subcomponents, no? I mean, political science is a different beast from those monsters in Economics. I mean, both are about equally monstrous but some would argue that Economics more so than others. Anyway, moving on. Where was I? Yes, Academic Twitter this past weekend.

Stories had come out about a woman, Mia Bloom (Yes we are naming names) and all she had done to colleagues and graduate students. Once, she called a junior colleague a whore (in the junior colleague's native language) and a bitch for constructive criticism of her work.  This junior colleague is, of course, a woman of color* (something about us makes them want to shit their pants even more than usual).  Another time, she called journals to bad mouth people who had submitted their works to said journals. Stories and stories. Someone my friend knows left the phd program where Mia taught at (GSU) halfway through her program because she could no longer take it and she went to start afresh at a new program. For the longest time, when asked why she left, she lied that she needed a change of scenery. In reality, she left for her wellbeing and safety.

Mia then made a ridiculous non-apology apology claiming that she had no idea hEr WoRdS hAd HuRt So MaNy PeOpLe. Anyway, so furor erupted on Twitter.

And so all weekend, people told their stories. Other [mostly white] people with all the power in academia pledged their support and promised to do better. Yawn.

Except, how did it get so bad? How did so few people get to have so much power? How did academia become such a tyrannical system of oppression and abuse?  How is it that women of color find so little support and often have to leave their programs? I don’t have all the answers. I do know that this is not an unsolvable problem.

To start with, Mia had friends, colleagues, collaborators...people she published with, bosses, deans. They must have KNOWN she was like this. Believe me when I say, people often KNOW. But as with most situations of abuse, it must have been hush hush. People would probably have turned their faces away. No one dealt with it.  Even people with power who could have stopped this and nipped this at the bud did nothing.  As is often said, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. I'm looking especially at people who already had tenure and were working with her and literally had nothing to lose but still stayed quiet. I hope this is a reminder for all of us that no matter where we find ourselves, if we have been entrusted with power, we must wield it with our highest sense of morals. We must look out for those around us with little or no power and must always, always advocate for the marginalized.  

While in academia, the "marginalized" are not always people of color, it is still true that so many people of color especially immigrants, due to cultural backgrounds and a perennial sense of gratitude, are more likely to endure abuse and harassment. If all the time, you are just grateful to have even been given such an immense opportunity; if you are from a culture where the authority/superior/older person has the final say and you dare not challenge them else you would be termed disrespectful, rude, and void of home training (cough Nigerians cough); if you're from a culture where you're told to just put your head down and work, you are more likely to stay quiet in the most oppressive system. And let me tell y'all, the oppressors milk this. You would watch them literally accord more respect to your white counterparts and treat you (the person of color) like you’re not worthy of respect. Talk down at you, put you down, and underestimate you. When you dare to dream big, they call you "too ambitious", and not as a compliment but as a "how dare you think you—of  all people—can do xyz". 

"My problem with you Ife, is that you are too ambitious." said with such irritation and exasperation. 

As if. As if. 

Now when all of this brouhaha started on Twitter, I had been particularly quiet cos ya know, ain't none of my business. I was minding my business offline. And then something caught my eye: someone who is notoriously (NOTORIOUSLY) also quite the bully started to tweet against Mia Bloom.  *blinks* I refreshed the page, nah this can't be. It was. This person was also tweeting about love, support, and the campaign to end evil once and for all in academia. I literally burst out laughing. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why Academic Twitter is a whole load of BS. 

So I tweeted,

"Hmm I think that as the conversation around abuse and harassment continues on academic twitter, if you're guilty of this (making life hell for grad students) maybe sit this one out? Except of course, to apologize?"

I was both amused and confused. On the one hand, they might have just been deliberately obtuse (or obnoxious?) and wanted to tweet for the heck of it. But on the other, I realized there was a slight (VERY slight chance) that indeed they didn't know they were part of the problem. So I asked, "is it really possible that people don't know that they are part of the problem?" Is it? Maybe that is exactly the problem then: that everyone dances around people like that and no one actually confronts the problem; “so & so is like that. just avoid them at all cost,” people often say instead of having adult conversations like “hey, treating people like that is wrong”. People could have easily said , “hey, how about we treat people with respect?” But abuse  continues as long as good people (maybe even well-meaning) remain quiet even though they have the power to stop it. Instead, they turn to Twitter to offer "support" and "love" or all the other forms of virtue signaling you can think of. Except, we don't need platitudes. We need action. We don't need platitudes. We need action. We need consequences. I said all of this as someone whose grad school experience was difficult too. Though no one called me a bitch or an ashewo (whore); certainly not to my face. If you did, well, one of us would have left that department and best believe it would not be me. 

Departments are not oblivious to the problems either. They know who the problematic people are and the transgressions these people commit. They even, in so many ways, allow it to thrive; they create hostile environments for this to occur. So as you see apologies and pledges to be better, either take it with a grain of salt or realize that they are only sorry because they got caught. 

I am no longer afraid because frankly I’m not embedded in all of this mess anymore. And I waited till I could not suffer from retaliation to speak out too (yes, I did!) and sometimes I worry if that makes me a coward. I worry that I did not and/or I have not warned enough people. So now maybe people (with no power to stand up to abusers) need to be more frank. Maybe people need to say directly [especially to women of color]: so and so made my life hell. Or at the very least, let them know to watch out because things can get very complex.  

The point is I am sick of  Ph.D. students getting hurt. I am sick of them becoming suicidal. I am sick of people popping anxiety pills because...grad school. It's a devastating mental health crisis among grad students.

Till this moment, new emails on my work email terrify me a little (used to be much worse). My chest beats very fast at every new work email because it was via email someone told me—nay, threatened me that—I would never have a career without them on my side. They thought they had that much power. And frankly, maybe they do. The point being, my brain has been programmed to see official emails as a sign of some form of impending doom. 

There are parts of my confidence and self-esteem that have been chipped off and if God doesn’t do a miracle, I may never get them back. 

That’s not a system that can (or even should) survive.

So many others still can’t share their trauma not even because of retaliation but because it’s just so fresh, so raw.

It would be remiss of me if I did not mention that there is support too in grad school.  There is. You will find friends you can vent to. You may even find faculty in your corner to advocate for you. I know that I did. 

At the same time, in addition to being kind, I am imploring people [with power] to not be neutral and to take action wherever necessary. 

I’m also inclined to  say that I don't know if this is a general academia problem or if it's just specific disciplines. No matter the case, if you're considering grad school, make sure you try to do your homework. Speak with current students. Do they feel seen, valued, supported?** Do faculty invest in them and work with them? That professor you are dying to work with, do they even care about grad students much less want to work with them? Or are they too self-absorbed to even think about collaborating with a Ph.D. student? When they do work with students, how do they behave? I hope you are lucky enough that people are honest with you.

But even if you aren't and you get in and it's hell, then do all you can to survive. Document everything and seek help. Almost every campus will have some form of psychological and counseling services and it's usually free, use it. Build a network and a community outside of your work. Have friends, nurture your family, find hobbies (hi blogging! haha). There is so so much to life than a degree, literally. It's not that deep. If it's so much that you can't bear it, then it's okay to leave too or take a break. You will be fine. If all else fails and you need someone to vent to, then message me. I'm getting good at listening to people vent. 

I don't know what happens to Mia; I don't care, frankly. There are so many Mias...so many that what we need is both systemic change and more active allies. Till then, no amount of fury on Twitter will solve the problem. 

Love,

I

P:S: I tweeted this and I will reiterate: except you are a grad student, non-academic, my friend, or my acquaintance, please please don't message me privately to offer "support" or "love". I don't want to "share my story".

*Although I quite dislike the term "woman of color" or "person/people of color" because it's (quite frankly) a lazy way of just lumping non-white people together, I still use it in this post. I use it to mean non-white people, to be honest. I am sorry about that and I acknowledge that our experiences are wildly diverse in so many ways. We are not a monolith. But I am lazy and wanted a smoother flow for your reading pleasure. See, am I not kind?

**Fun fact: once I was in a department event that Ph.D. students were meant to attend and I think I was literally the only Ph.D. student to show up (I know!). So of course, faculty members were furious. One of them (WHO KNEW ME) started screaming "why is there no Ph.D. student here? Where is X? Where is Y? I can't believe they didn't come" all the while looking over me. Basically this person refused to acknowledge my existence; as far as they were concerned, I wasn't even a Ph.D. student. I didn't exist. It's how they try to erase you. I think it might have been in the middle of other crap going on involving this person so this was how this person chose to fight me that moment.  Or maybe not? Maybe they just chose violence for no darn reason. I had never felt so small. Actually, I had lmao. Oh well, I still finished. 

A Feminist Manifesto

Happy New Year! I don't have anything wholesome to say about the end of last year or the beginning of this one because I decided sometime in December to not be retrospective about the year at all. So let's dive into this post.

I don't know when it happened but I recently started buying books again. I am still not buying fiction but I'm buying gradually. I bought Chimamanda Adichie's Dear Ijeawele or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions. It's somewhat of an old book and I'm surprised that I'm just now reading it but better late than never. It's a short book and you can finish it in minutes. Honestly, it's more of an essay to me.  This post is not about that book per se, but more about the central idea of the book: how to be feminist or more specifically, a feminist manifesto.

Life's Mess, Our Mess, Seasons, Lessons, and Gratitude: Coping with the World We Find Ourselves Today

Oh man, it's been a while I just free-flowed here and wrote from the "spirit". Here goes. 

Our world is such a constant influx of information, complex dynamics, inconsistencies, uncertainty, anxiety...it's endless. Every one is acting like they're fine—actually, no this isn't true. There is a real recognition that we aren't fine. Something has shifted for humanity and while we can acknowledge this, no one is really committed to solving it. I think there are various reasons for this, but the one reason that comes to mind now is majority of these problems are in fact, unsolvable.

So we resort to chasing things, dreams, identities, endless vacations, money. We just want something tangible with the hope that it would fill it. Now, even I don't know what "it" is but neither do those who yearn to fill "it". Again, unsolvable.

The Rulebreaker: What Breaking the Rules Robs You Of

There is something about ambition; the way it gnaws at you, morphs into its own beast eats you from within, then chews you up from inside and when it's done with you, you'd be so lucky if you even recognize yourself.

In Susan Page's biography of Barbara Walters, Rulebreaker, Walters' ambition is forceful, it's desperate, thorough, and at some point maybe a little pathetic. And yet, I came out of it with full respect for the force of this person, who was a fearless pioneer for women in broadcasting, even when she didn't necessarily want to be. 

In Defense of Church

On a The View  episode over a year ago, there was a conversation about the rise in senseless shooting in America. This past week alone, there were two mass shootings. Knowing this country as well as I think I do, I have a feeling there will be more posts on this blog about the senselessness of guns so buckle up. It's a hard conversation, not because there is no solution (it's a very very easy solution at that), but because we are afraid. Afraid of sending our kids to school. Afraid of going to the mall. Or the grocery store. Or the club. Or the wrong house. Or the wrong driveway. Shoot, we are afraid to live, it looks like. But conversation for another time. 

In the panel discussion I reference above, Sara Haines talked about the rise of porn, violent video games, and decrease in church attendance. She got a lot of flak for it in the comment section. I think it may have been because this requires a lot of nuance. It's not that she is wrong. Those things are problematic and destructive of people's minds all around. The real elephant in the room is that these things are happening in many other countries and yet, there are no mass shootings in those places. Which suggests that one problem we have is...guns. But a particular segment of our leaders has been bought and paid for by the ghoulish NRA. So, again conversation for another time.

Does God Lie or Does He Change His Mind?

A few weeks ago I read about Hezekiah and his prayer to God, and it really wasn't my first time reading about the story but I felt like I got a newer interpretation that day. When he was ill, God sent Isaiah to let him know he would die. Like it would be for most people, this was devastating news for Hezekiah and he was so sad, one could say it sent him into a downward spiral. He cried, turned his face to his wall and prayed to the Lord:

Remember, O Lord, how I have always been faithful to you and I have served you single-mindedly, always doing what pleases you?

He said, while he broke down and wept bitterly.

Picture: by my photographer sister

Now because God's heart tugs when we are  sad, and because he is a compassionate and merciful God, He actually listened to Hezekiah. God told Hezekiah [through Isaiah] that He had heard his prayer and seen his tears.

Note: God sees you, no matter how matter it doesn't feel like it. He sees you.

So God decided to add fifteen years to Hezekiah's life. Doesn't it bring you immense joy and relief to know that God sees our tears, our worries, and our concerns? I had this sitting in draft for  a long while (more than a month), but these past few days made me remember it again and boy, do I need this reminder? While Hezekiah was praying and praising God after the good news, something else stood out for me. And by the way, God did send a sign that he would keep his promise. He always does that. But yes, what stood out for me was that even though that sickness and the planned death were the will of God, it didn't stop Hezekiah from asking for a miracle.

But what could I say?
For he himself sent this sickness

A lot of times, when we think a challenge is from God with an intent to discipline us or just as a part of his will, we are reluctant to say God let this cup pass over me. Meanwhile, even Jesus [the actual messiah], as He approached death (to fulfill his greatest mission) asked God to please let the cup pass over Him. In an old post,  in explaining what faith can look like in action, I also talked about how we shouldn't always resign to well if Gods wants it to happen, well then it will. I think sometimes, we NEED shameless persistence. We must never be afraid of asking God for a miracle, no matter how radical it looks.



And yes, I know, "God does not change his mind like the son of man". That is of course in the Bible Ha! Except it did seem like God changed his mind in the Hezekiah case, doesn't it? It's amazing. I love to say there is a mystery to God that we don't know. The truth is if anyone thinks they know God from the beginning to the end, if people act like they have ALL the authority on God, they are either lying or it's some form of sheer hubris, or both. The greatness of God is so vast that we just do not know the entirety of God and I don't care how many times you read the bible from cover to cover. I, of course agree with the verse that says that God is not a liar neither does he change his mind. But to paraphrase Steven Furtick, God may not change his mind, but we ourselves evolve in how we see God. So it's not God that "evolves" as people like to say, it's that we do.

When non-Christians are rightfully worried about some of the rhetorics in the Bible like slavery, subjugation of women, and so on; Christians attempt to refute this by saying times and contexts have change. The non-Christians in turn challenge us again that if God does not change his mind then he must be the same God who condoned slavery (all of this is wrong by the way, but we are not here to talk about this). The truth is this God sent His son for salvation so our relationship is beyond laws. The same ways Christians are notorious for spouting a few verses as it suits them, non-Christians also love to spout a few Bible verses with the intention of judging all Christians by a few problematic ones. I think if you want to critique a thing, then at least know it. And knowing it is not merely regurgitating a few popular phrases.

I digress.

The point being, do not be afraid to go before him, to plead for mercy. And know, always KNOW that at His core, He is a good good father. And you and I are loved by Him.

Love,

I

What Does Faith Look Like in Action?

Why do we find it so hard to have faith. Or is the real question, what does faith look like in action? Is it tireless and passionate prayer? Or is it a simple prayer and moving on with your life? Is it shameless persistence? Or is it delusional, you know acting like it already happened? Is it just forgetting about it? Perhaps it's resigning to fate? What exactly is it? A lot of times we are very quick to say if it's God's will for something to happen, it will. And we go about our business. No passionate request to God. Nothing. But Bishop TD Jakes told a story about the lepers and their call to Jesus that made me see things in a different light. Jesus was legit not even minding them; he was going about his own business. But they saw Jesus and CALLED out passionately and DESPERATELY to him to heal them. If they sat down in the same ole spot and thought you know what, if God wants us well, we will be; nothing would have happened to them. They would have remained ill.

Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!

There is something about a loud, piercing cry to God. In the same analogy, TD Jakes gave an example of a mom whose kids are always bickering, and making noise that she becomes used to it. So you know how the kids are making their foolish noise in the background, reporting each other every second, but the mom pays them no mind. She is probably still on a call, cleaning and just ignoring them. Until she hears a loud, piercing scream; the kind that makes her tell her friend on the phone: hold on, SOMETHING is wrong with one of my kids. She just recognizes, yeah that is panic, that is different.

Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!

Sometimes, you gotta yell out to God. Sometimes, you gotta be like yeah, God no this ain't cutting it. Shameless persistence. I will never forget seeing that phrase in the bible. Jesus was teaching about praying, when he told a story. He said if you go to a friend's house at midnight, wanting to borrow food, but your friend is already asleep and locked his doors, so he tells you to leave him alone. If you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence.  He told the story to explain that just keep asking and knocking, and eventually you will get. That verse changed the game for me. I'm shamelessly persistent in my prayers now. But you must also be willing to do as he says, even though most times it seems illogical. Back to the lepers, Jesus told them to show themselves to the priests. Like, what?! We just asked for mercy in desperation and that's the best you can respond with? Just do, sometimes even when it makes no sense to you or to those around you. All the times in the bible that Jesus is gobsmacked by remarkable faith (think woman with the issue of blood; guys bringing their friend through the roof for healing; centurion on behalf of his servant) it was with desperate people, whom Jesus wasn't even minding but all of whom went OUT OF THEIR WAY to desperately plead and ask him for a miracle. None of those guys just merely waited.

So what does faith look like in action? Sorry, I don't know either. I don't know for sure. I think it looks like confidence in God's ability. It looks like trust. It looks like believing even when it makes no sense; especially when it makes no sense. I think it looks nothing like folding your arms or complacency. I think it's being afraid, but still believing in God. It looks like hope. It is being desperate.  I think it looks like yelling with everything in you:

Jesus, Master, have mercy on me!

Love,

I

P.S: if you are interested in any of the biblical stories, they can be found in Luke 17: 11 -19; Luke 11:5-8; Luke 8:43-48; Luke 5:17-39; and Luke 7:1- 10) For this post, I referenced the NLT version.

Some Books I Read....and Why A Visit from The Good Squad Was Such a Terrible Book

Hopefully it's not too late to say welcome to the new year! Let's just jump right into this one. Here are some books I've recently read. 

A Case for Shame ?

I have been reading a lot about shame, courage, vulnerability and the intersection of those three emotions. This, of course, means tackling Brene Brown’s work, which I absolutely LOVE (check out her special on Netflix; powerful stuff). That said, I’ve been struggling with some aspects of her work as it pertains to shame. She mostly argues that shame is a useless emotion, that shaming people never works, and feeling shame almost never leads to better behavior. I disagree with this a little (or maybe a lot?). What I seem to struggle with is she doesn’t quite account for accountability (excuse the pun) nor does she account for transitional justice. 

My [NIGERIAN FOOD STYLE] WHOLE 30 EXPERIENCE. Part 2

The fact that I am just now writing this post is extremely amusing,  even to me. But let's go. I did a Nigerian Style Whole 30  for the second time and I  decided to write about it.  I actually did it a while back—as far back as January this year (yes, you read that right)—and this round was much easier especially in terms of planning what I ate. I definitely planned this second round much better and felt better prepared all around. I remember I had terrible withdrawal symptoms with the first one but nothing like that this time around. Anyway, seeing as the post about the first one I did remains one of the most popular posts on this blog, I wanted to follow up with another one. True blogger style.

by the way: this post is excruciatingly long (yikes! sorry) but it's really interesting so, yay?

There are different aspects to this: the why, the how and what, and the so what? Hopefully, this post covers them all in a coherent and cohesive manner. The why. Embarking on this sort of lifestyle challenge in January is not novel at all; it is in fact almost a cliche. The beginning of a new year means everyone wants to be on their best behavior. What else is new?

  

However, would you believe it if I said that for me, it was more of a spiritual endeavor than physical? My church community was doing a beginning of the year fast, and quite frankly I knew I could not go the whole day without eating. I just can't...not eat. But I also wanted to partake in what we were doing.  So I chose to go the Whole 30 route since in a lot of ways, it was also denying things my flesh would ordinarily desire.  I needed to feel like I was making a sacrifice and Whole 30 seemed to be the compromise between not eating at all and foregoing the fast altogether. Sidebar: I want to write about fasting one day and the right type of fasts (this could be in five years with my current pace of blogging ugh). I will come back to the spiritual aspect of my Whole 30 thing in a minute.

Next: The how. Well, you know the drill of Whole 30 by now: a nutritional program meant to "change your life". No grains (RIP rice), legumes (even peanuts), dairy, sugar, MSG, flour...just nothing that actually makes you happy for thirty days. You are not allowed to weigh yourself either. If you read the  post from when I did it almost five years(!) ago, you will see that there are more rules to adhere to. There is a lot of emphasis [from the creators and stakeholders of that community] on how Whole 30 is not for weight loss. But my friends, who are we kidding? We will talk about whether or not this is something you should do later on in this post. However, should you decide to do it, and you want specific ideas on what to eat, the following paragraphs will help you.

For breakfast, I had things like sweet potatoes and eggs. I HATE eggs. I also once (or twice) had banana and almonds for breakfast but hated it and quickly stopped. The rule says no smoothie, but I had smoothies cos who gon check me. I am an adult person capable of making my own decisions. I always have a smoothie for breakfast anyway, so that was not a big change at all. I should make an entire post on delicious (and healthy) smoothie recipes some time—here we go again with these promises. I made kale pineapple smoothies, kale and apple smoothies, spinach and pear smoothies, cauliflower smoothies, berry banana smoothies etc. An important smoothie ratio I follow is 2 parts veggies (about 4 cups), one (or 1.5) part fruit. If you never take smoothies, ease up to this and start with maybe just a handful of spinach in your smoothies before ramping it up. There is no better way (for me) than smoothies and salads to have my daily serving of vegetables. Speaking of salads:

For lunch, I mostly had big bowls of salad; this is already a staple in my diet so it was not a big switch. I love a good salad so yayy. I was always filled up, to be honest, and if you are not getting filled up you are probably not eating enough. I sometimes had my salads with grilled chicken. I actually prefer my salad without meat of any kind (but I also really need protein so...). Another lunch option I had was pan-roasted Irish potatoes, asparagus (or any other vegetable), with pan fried fillets. YUM. 

For dinner, I had a lot of Nigerian swallows (eba, amala) and soups.  Imagine my delight when I heard egusi soup was Whole 30 compliant. By the way, herein lies one of my problems with the Whole 30 program. See, I don't even like egusi like that but here I was wanting it. More on the problems below. [For dinner] I also had plantain and stew or efo, but grilled (boli) not fried (I can't stand friend plantains and I don't think fried things are allowed on Whole 30). Sometimes, I had sweet potato pottage for dinner and other times, I had just baked sweet potatoes. PS: Every mention of sweet potato is Japanese Sweet Potato, not that other orange travesty (which I actually don't mind lol).  I would normally bulk up the pottage with vegetables. Sometimes, I switched this up and had it for lunch.  Other times, for dinner, I had grilled whole fish with a side of coleslaw. Once, I tried zucchini noodles for dinner and swore to never ever in my life try such travesty again. Apart from the zucchini noodles experimentation, everything listed here are mostly things that are present in my diet anyway so I guess that's why it wasn't so much of a shock for me. Whole 30, for me, was mostly subtracting from my diet rather than adding to it. 

For snacks/desserts, I mostly had fruits. Orange was in season then (I think), and navel oranges when in season are the BEST things ever. Actually, any fruit in season feels really decadent. I'm having a bowl of watermelon as I write this post and mmmph, life is good. So yeah. The program frowns upon snacks but again, I am a grown woman and will do whatever I want to do. I wish I took more pictures of my food but I will admit I did not know I was going to blog about this (cue terrible blogger). Not to mention, I had not changed my phone then (an old, old, really old iPhone 7) so the few pictures I took were really awful. 

Did I eat MSG? No. Or wait, I should revise. I ate some soups made by my mom and I implemented a don't ask, don't tell policy. That is, I didn't ask if she used seasoning cubes (popularly known as maggi even though they are technically Knorr lol) which have MSG in them. I know she rarely uses seasoning cubes in her cooking generally and has all but eradicated it from her cooking except for when cooking stuff like Jollof rice (which I wasn't eating anyway) but I was still too afraid to ask. If this means I inadvertently ate MSG, then C'EST LA VIE!

As you can see, a huge saving grace is that Nigerian foods are very very Whole 30 compliant. If I do not eat Nigerian food, I'm just not sure how I would have done this. 

Notwithstanding all of this, by the last week of the program, I was over it; not because of anything other than I was freaking bored. And this is coming from someone who normally eats the same lunch every day of the week and has had a green smoothie every day for several years now. I am the definition of creature of habit and even I got tired of Whole 30, which is saying something. Boredom was the biggest challenge with this round. 

And now the so what. Did I see any life changing effects? I did not lose weight at all, but then again I was NOT looking to lose any so maybe there is a mind thing at play here? I know I ate more because I wanted to be full. I will say though that my stomach was really really really really flat with well defined abs. Like, y'all no matter what I did my stomach remained flat. It was a fascinating mystery. Thinking back now, I'm not so sure why I am so certain I did not lose any weight since quite frankly, I never weigh myself. Whole 30 or not, I look in the mirror and thank God for what I see and keep it moving. Without the actual numbers, I can't say for sure I did not lose weight. But, with these things you always know and I feel confident saying I did not lose any weight. Just that flat stomach thing, which I must admit was freaking dope. But dope enough to give up foods I really enjoy? Nah dawg. 

A second amazing effect was on my skin. My skin was clear, CLEAR. Throughout my adult life, I am not sure it has ever been so clear and smooth. Now, this one is a little complicated because I also changed my skin care routine around that period. In December, out of sheer boredom, irritation, frustration (or whatever), I woke up one morning and threw away all my beauty products. I had had enough and stripped my routine to a bare minimum: I literally only washed my face and used my sunscreen moisturizer (Elta MD — obvs this is NOT sponsored Lol). That was it; no serums, no toners, nothing. So was it my skin care regimen or Whole 30? I think it might be a little bit of both. Now that Whole 30 is over, my skin is still doing well (knock on wood); better than previous years, but not quite as amazing as it was in January. I still just wash (with Cerave), maybe apply acne spot treatments when necessary, and then moisturize with something that has SPF (either Elta or Fenty). At night, I use Cerave moisturizer (my dermatologist also recently got me on prescribed retinol that I use once a week).  I will say though, as simple as this routine is, I am a STICKLER for actually following it every single day. So take all of that and do whatever you will with it. 

With all of the above, would I still recommend Whole 30? The answer is no. I think it's restrictive and has the potential to trigger unhealthy practices. It also increases cravings on an abnormal level. It's almost like the more you tell yourself you can't have a particular food, the more you crave it; thereby leading to unhealthy behavior and terrible eating habits. It can be especially triggering for someone who has an eating disorder. That is not my experience, so of course, it was easier for me.  If you can use the program to figure out whether you are sensitive to certain foods, and then stay away from such foods then sure, perhaps. The problem is I'm not even sure you can use Whole 30 to figure this out. There is the argument that once you cut certain foods from your diet for an extended period of time, reintroducing them will trigger a reaction to them whether or not you actually have a sensitivity to them. There is also the fear component; I will let this post explain that. Most importantly, it is not sustainable. It is so extremely rigid as to be vexing. Some of the restrictions are so unnecessary, you start to question the reasoning behind them. Why ban beans, for instance? It's almost like the program sets participants up for failure. I think the ONLY reason I went through with it was because of the aforementioned attached spiritual aspect and connotation. I don't diet and I needed a reason to continue with this.  So you need a why if you're going to get through this.  All that denying oneself of what you actually enjoy can also be detrimental  to our mental health as well. Get this, I did this in the middle of a freaking pandemic. I suppose this is why Whole 30 is also almost always ranked as one of the worst diets ever by doctors, nutritionists, academics, and other experts. 

I want to end this post by reiterating that YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ON A DIET TO BE HEALTHY. This is a FACT. It is an objective, evidence based fact. Dieting can in fact, be unhealthy and dangerous. And most times, diets don't even work. I hear you say, well what if i want to lose weight. That's not a terrible thing at all and it is also very valid. Yet I will argue that even if you want to lose weight, you don't need to be on a "diet". However, I don't have much experience with that so I won't say much from a personal angle. The science does say you need to embark upon something sustainable so that it's easier to stick with it and your body isn't lacking good nutrients. I understand that everyone needs or wants a reset every now and then. In that case, I suppose it would not hurt to give Whole 30 a try. 

Again, a lifestyle that is sustainable is the best approach. I found this very fascinating video (and this) and I think it will be really really helpful for chronic dieters or just...everyone to see the miracle that our bodies can be. A significant aspect of how we look is actually genetically predetermined, except you have leptin resistance or something.  I will reiterate what I wrote in the first post: everything in moderation. Eat vegetables with your meals. Eat in moderate proportions. Don't use food as a filler for emotional stuff but ENJOY food. People sometimes say food is just a tool, you eat it for energy and that's all. I can't relate. Food is an experience for me. So eat, my loves. 

Love,

I

PS: Thank you for reading all the way! This post on Whole 30 took sooo long to compile, write, put together, and [finally] post so please read and share it widely! And of course, let me know if you have thoughts. Gracias!

Oh What a Season: How the 2024 Olympics Made Me Feel

Let's talk Olympics! 

To be honest, I didn't watch much of it. The games just always happened around work time  (time difference  between here and Paris, and all) but of course, there were moments that you'd have to be under a rock to not have heard about. I've jokingly written about the benefits of sports before but Olympics is all of that on steroids. There is something about the EXCELLENCE on display; the fortitude; the resilience that just have you plugged in, whether because you catch up on all the games or, like me, you read about them after. So, let's take a minute to talk about the Olympics, shall we? 

NIGHT NIGHT!!!

Book of the Month: Some Books I Have Been Reading

Sooo. For some reason, I haven't talked about any book here  in a while even though I have actually been reading. I have no reasons for that. But I decided to share a bunch of books I have been reading for my own personal development.




1.) The first is called, "Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes: A Guide to Starting, Revising, and Finishing Your Doctoral Thesis" by Joan Bolker. I mean, you can't literally write your entire dissertation in fifteen minutes. Lol. Anyway, in this book she gives tips and advice on working your way through the dissertation writing process, from developing a working habit to choosing advisors and a committee; to getting started on writing; to your first draft and other tidbits. Spoiler alert: the key to writing efficiently and finishing in decent time is to write every single day. You can say this about most habits.

I learned a little while ago that consistency is actually a better goal to strive for than excellence or perfection. If you do something every single day, and I mean every single day without fail, you will inevitably be great at it. Take that approach with writing. Carve out time, sacred time for writing, where you do nothing but write. Not research, not edit, just write. So in that sense all of what the book addresses,  I already knew. In fact most things did not apply to me because I have passed those stages in my career. It's a great book nonetheless. But you can read all the books in this world about writing, and except you actually commit to these principles, you would be wasting everyone's time. So in a nutshell, I read the book not just because I am currently writing a dissertation myself (pray for me, y'all!) but also because I needed a reminder/refresher of some of what she talks about.

2.) The second is, "When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life" by David Burns. First things first, if you struggle with anxiety, you are not alone. Many people are suffering from various mental health challenges. Sometimes, I wonder if people are misdiagnosing themselves. Who knows really? I know for sure though that our mental health should be prioritized. And if you can't afford therapy or you are still trapped in shame because you are afraid of what people would think if you go to therapy or you just don't know what to expect in therapy, then get this book. If you want to get better, period. Everyone should read something like this book.

It provides you with ammunition to defeat any kind of anxiety, without conventional therapy or prescription drugs. My favorite aspect of the book is his assessment of  the inclination of medical providers to prescribe drugs for every darn thing. He teaches you 40 new anti-anxiety techniques. I gotta say you need time with this book because it is very detailed, and working through all the tools can honestly be tiring. I will say though that if you can, you should do them because they are very effective. He also gives home-works and asks you to fill in the gap etc. I will be honest, I didn't have that kind of time to work through all of it. I just didn't. So while I read it painstakingly, I certainly could have been more thorough.

Can this solve lifelong anxiety and/or other mental health challenges? Definitely. But I think I would still prefer sitting in front of a therapist while they work through issues with me. I would rather someone asks me all the questions. It's too much to do by yourself. And I say this as someone who is incredibly introspective. That said, if you flip towards the end of the book, he walks you through exactly how to use each technique; how to work your way from an upset feeling to getting better. It's a solid book that everyone should have and read. I was just lazy. Plus I think more generally, I read the book when I was in a good place mentally (thank God!). Had I read it when I was in a much worse condition, I am sure I would have done the work, for sure. I would say (disclaimer: I am NOT a medical professional) before using all manner of medication, at least try the techniques in a book like this. One interesting thing about this book is that he (an actual psychiatrist) admitted to the arbitrary nature of the diagnostic criteria for anxiety disorders. He acknowledges that sometimes what psychiatrists call anxiety disorders are basically just normal feelings people have from time to time.  In fact, according to Burns, some medicines like Xanax make people completely dependent on them, so much that when you stop taking them, you experience withdrawal symptoms that heighten whatever initial problem you had. There is also a whole thing in the book where the author exposes drug companies that selectively publish studies and the bias in the literature that create false perception about the effectiveness of antidepressants. This is why I would caution against popping pills for the sake of. But heyyy, you do you. This is just me talking about a book and I do NOT HAVE A MEDICAL DEGREE, so what do I know?  And oh yeah, of course, brain diseases totally exist, not to mention serious psychiatry problems like schizophrenia, bipolar etc. I don't think there is a way around such ailments that does not involve medications.


3.) And finally, we have  "Discerning the Voice of God - Bible Study Book - Revised: How to Recognize When God Speaks" by Priscilla Shirer. This one is good for anyone committed to strengthening their relationship with God. I will admit that this book might come across like it's for mature Christians only. Because while I absolutely adore Priscilla Shirer, I do think she wrote this book with an assumption that her readers have attained a particular level of spirituality. If you are still really growing or if you are a new Christian, and you read this book with some of its instructions, it can easily become frustrating.

In her defense, I don't think there is a straightforward, simple enough book out there for all Christians about understanding God's voice. But ultimately, I really love that she acknowledges that understanding the heart of God is not about hearing a clear, audible voice. And though many Christians depict it like so, it is not always entirely true or at least not complete (I still do NOT think God told you what dress to wear to Church. Bite me). I also think that Christians should not live a frantic life, where they are constantly searching and searching for the voice of God and then getting frustrated when they hear nothing. Instead rest in knowing that God is always within you and will never forsake you. He is true to his word about leading you and allowing his will come to pass. I have actually spoken a lot about this on the blog: see knowing God's will for your life. Or what to do when you are waiting.  Or How to make decisions when your faith wavers. Interestingly, Priscilla does echo some of the sentiments in the posts I linked: yes sometimes you are not sure if it's God. Have faith anyway. Sometimes you have to work with exactly what God has placed in your hands right now and keep doing. And sometimes you have to just step out in faith and obey because you feel God is impressing it upon your heart to. All of these are never ever easy. Fear not, it's not all abstract. She does give some practical lists of things you can start doing at the moment to better understand God's will for your life.

Whew. Well. that's that.

Book of the month was quite busy this year so I hope to continue next year. What were your favorite books this year?

Love,

I