My Husband Is Not My Soul-Mate.

I would like to say that while grading my students’ essays there is never a dull moment, but that would be an absolute lie.
Mostly grading students’ essays is a boring, excruciating job. It makes me rethink my college career path, my desire to be a teacher, and life in general. Essays written by twelve year olds are life sucking.
But then there are moments, just a line or two, that flip switches. Maybe not in the students’ heads–they still don’t seem to remember to indent a new paragraph or to not use abbreviations in formal writing–but a switch, a light bulb, will go off in my head and, like dominoes, one thing leads to another and then there we are.
It’s not fair that people with disabilities get judged by how they look. Some adults don’t get soul mates because of how they are looked at.
-Makenzie, 7th grader
There are about a million different ways I could go right now. Those two sentences are so full of confusion and discussion points, I could probably make those lines a series of posts, but where I’m going has to do with “soul mates.”
Soul mates.
The first thing I wanted to do was run home and tell my children–my daughters–that soul mates aren't real. That this isn't something to dream about, something to wish and hope for. Because it will let you down and make all your real, healthy, and sometimes-disappointing relationships feel less than.
The only thing stopping me from this conversation is that my daughters are three and five. They think they’re going to grow up and marry their daddy. They’re not sure if they’ll be the husband or the wife though because those are confusing words to remember. In our house gender roles are the exact opposite of societal norms. I don’t want them to know how our house works isn’t “normal.” I don’t want them to think one way is normal, I want them to figure out what works best for their world when they finally get to make their own.
But I don’t want them to long for, look for, or hold out hope for their soul mate. Because they will always be let down. Chris Graham is not my soul mate. He is my husband, my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to talk to, my biggest cheerleader, and my family.
But he does not complete me, fill me up, or make my world.
He challenges me, encourages me, and talks me down off cliffs, but he isn’t the end-all-be-all of my world. That is a dangerous thing to ask of a relationship because I’m in love with and married to a flawed man. And he married a really flawed Mary. The idea that I can complete the hole he has in his heart, this want for something to fill him up, is wrong and destined to be painful. Because that hole isn’t of this world. That want and need we have for someone to know us, really know us, will never be satisfied while we’re here on earth.
And I think that idea, that lie we’ve been sold, damages so many relationships, ends marriages, and leaves countless people unhappy when they’ll truly never be happy.
I love my husband. I think he’s pretty awesome or I wouldn't have married him and had some babies with him. He makes my life more interesting, makes me better, and loves me even when I’m not very lovable (which is a lot of the time). I picked a good one, for sure. And I’m glad he’s in my life.
But if I hadn’t met him, I think my life would still be pretty good. I wasn’t waiting for someone else to come along and rescue me from my horrible existence. I had a good existence before him. I was loved and cared for and fought for by a Father that made me whole in a way no one else could.
Soon I’m going to let my daughters in on the “soul mate” secret. That it’s made up and dangerous and unrealistic. That their God loves them more than any man ever could and that no one will ever come along and complete them the way they long to be completed. Their longing isn’t of this world. But that isn’t to say I don’t want them to find amazing husbands one day. It’s something I pray about often, asking God to be molding those young men–wherever they are–to be good mates for my girls, to be strong men of God, to have character above everything else. But that they don’t look to complete a girl’s life, either. That they’re pretty good on their own and then they meet one of my amazing daughters and they’ll want to do life together. And serve God together. Because He’s their soul mate. He’s their whole.

What is Your Bride Price? Check For Free.

Ha. I must confess. When I heard about a website where women/ladies could go to check their Bride Price, I was livid. This is preposterous. I thought. What have they reduced we women to? Then the curiosity in me led me to actually try it out. It was a series of questions for you to answer before the price could be determined. Then I realized it was all just a joke. I didn't even believe I had disliked it in the first place. The questions were in the lines of your height, educational background, physical features, morality and things like that. You could check for yourself and your friend or foe. When I did it the first time and it valued me at whooping seven hundred thousand Naira! hahahaha. I was too happy to hate on it.


The Opposite Of Love Is Fear- John Legend.

I was very inspired by John Legend's speech at the 2014 Commencement ceremony of his Alma Mater, University of Pennsylvania. People like John Legend and Lupita Nyong'o remind me time and time again, that education makes a difference. Sometimes, I find it hard to explain that statement but education does make a difference. Go figure. :-)

He spoke about love, passion and commitment to your dreams. He gave a brief history of his childhood, from the good times to the sour times. He linked love to every aspect of life including our very existence. It was such a unique speech, in that many commencement/convocation speakers tend to talk about motivation, hard-work, success and things like that. He talked about those things too, only he explained how to achieve them with the power of Love. He spoke about justice, about compassion and about charity. He also talked about the Nigerian girls that were kidnapped and charged everyone to realize that they were not alone in the world. "American lives are not more important that Iraqi lives." He said, when talking about the need for world peace and love. It was subtle, yet it was motivating.

I particularly liked when he talked about his humble beginnings. The days when he was desperately looking for a record deal and found none until Kanye West helped him. "Now, Kanye and I have very different you might have guessed but what unites us is our true love for music and arts..."
Honestly, the speech could have passed for a message in the church because isn't love also God's greatest commandment? His speech was centered around Love. Brilliant! Oh, and he was honored with a doctorate degree in music.

How is it that I don't remember what was said and in fact who said what at my graduation? It had  to have been the least inspiring talk ever for me to not remember anything. Perhaps, I should ask my friends and former classmates if they remember anything from three years ago. THREE years, wow, how has it been so long?

The LoveOasis.

The Loveoasis is an online media company. The website features various significant platforms which are; LOmag, LOtv, LOonline and LOdeals.

LOmag is a digital magazine with each edition featuring a newly wedded couple on it's cover. The magazine features contents that cut across lifestyle, relationship, wedding and marriage. it is available in various digital formats to download and also viewed in a web view format.

The absolutely great thing about LO mag is that it can be viewed on your smartphones—ANY type of smartphone, yes even the Blackberry—, tablets, laptops, computers. So while in traffic or less busy at school or work, all you have to do is go to and view all editions of LOmag. It is FREE. Yes, free. The latest edition features a great couple whose story you'll love, you can view it here, 


Self-Love. What is self love? To put it very simply is to describe it as  loving oneself. However, when you really ponder on it and think deeply about it, you'll realize it encompasses a whole lot. I once heard that to know what something is, it is wise to first identify what it is not. Self-love is not pride, it's not arrogance, it definitely is not selfishness, neither is it narcissism. It is much more than all of those. The art of self love is to first know oneself, it's to know who you are and who you're not. It is also about making necessary decisions to further better yourself, it is to consciously choose happiness.

Personally, there are a few things, I have learnt over the years, either from experience or by observation; things and decisions that are about valuing oneself. For instance, there comes a time in your life when you have to stop conforming and living up to society's standards. The point where you stop living your life based on what others think about you. Don't get me wrong, I still believe a lot in wise counsel. I also don't believe you should have an absolute disregard for what people think. Moderation is just really key. By the way, the way to go about that is not to be screaming all over internet and cyberspace about how you don't care what people say about you. Honey, if you have to remind us every second of every minute of every hour of every day that you do not care about what people say, you probably do. That being said, conforming to society's standards is not ideal.
Speaking of society and people, loving yourself also means deleting toxic people from your life. Perhaps, this should have come first but it's in no order anyway. There's no way you can love yourself and still, you constantly allow any type of person(s) walk into your life and treat with you with utter disrespect. Sometimes, it really is not malice, you just realize that this person brings you nothing but trouble and stress. For your own sake, just quietly excuse such people from your life. If there is one thing I now know for sure about friendship, it is that it is mutual. If you give yourself emotionally into a relationship and the other person just constantly takes advantage of you, it is time to walk away. Evaluate your relationships and make sure that they are worthwhile. Life can be long, there's no point wasting it on people who don't matter.

Another thing I have learnt, this one from experience is the importance of God in your life. Believe me when I say if you have any iota of love for yourself, you will cling to God. It is not about just being a Christian, it is about living a life pleasing to God. It is about consciously making the decision every time to have a relationship with him. It probably is better for you to be cold than to be lukewarm. Because even the bible says that God will spit out lukewarm people. Don't just have a lip service, make sure your heart isn't far away from God. This will be evident in how you live your life and the daily decisions you make.

Loving oneself takes a lot of commitment and dedication. It is absolutely necessary. Even though, most times you probably don't just get up one morning and decide that hey from today, I gotta start loving myself. Eventually, you'll realize from certain actions that you are truly falling in love with who you are. When you see yourself embracing both your weaknesses and your strengths; when you realize your determination to improve yourself, you love yourself. I like to sometimes think it comes with age, or should I say maturity? For instance, I recently realized that even though I am not on any particular diet, I have become more conscious about what goes into my stomach. I have not cancelled anything from my diet, except maybe Coke and Pepsi—which I stopped taking years ago—but I try to be sensible about what I consume. And I don't even have a weight problem. I have found that most of the time, what really just happens is that many of us lack the necessary discipline to control ourselves. Look at Gabourey Sidibe. She is obese and I do not mean that to spite her. There is no way anyone can convince me that the young woman doesn't despise herself. Her weight issue is a cause for concern, yet anytime it is brought up, she makes obnoxious remarks about how she doesn't care what people think. The last straw that broke the camel's back was when she said people could go on insulting her size/weight, what matters is she's rolling in jets and spending lots of money, some of those people will never have. What?! I do not not have a medical degree, but I can not count on one hand the number of diseases I think she is susceptible to just by the reason of her weight. I know some people may have gone overboard with insulting her, but I also know that it is important for her to be healthy. I did not say slim, I said healthy. As long as you are fit and healthy, good. Loving yourself is knowing that you need to take care your self; mind, soul and body.

Inspire yourself. Educate yourself. READ. I can not emphasize on that enough. You don't necessarily have to read fancy books; read articles that engage your mind, take random quizzes and puzzles, engage in intellectual discourses and  constructive debates. This of course is not an exhaustive list. There are many more ways to constantly love yourself, some of which I am still learning. What I know without a doubt though is that there is absolutely no way you can love someone else, without first loving yourself.


Violence is Wrong!

We need to teach Black girls how to use their words instead of their fists. There have been too many incidences on T.V these days where Black girls are doing the exact same things we have been stereotyped as—Loud, Ratchet, Violent, Excessively Inappropriate, Uncouth, Illiterate, Whore and many more. It is disgusting, to say the least, to have black girls dragging each other by their weaves on National T.V or worse, punching and spitting on their sisters' husbands. The only thing worse than that behavior is having fellow black girls justify such preposterous acts.

"Yes she deserved it, in fact XYZ should have beaten her more."

"So what if she beat him, do we know what he did in the first place."

"Go girl, teach 'em"

I don't care about what really happened in the situations I described above. (I know we all know the people I was talking about) What I know is that violence can't ever be justified.

An HIV Story...A Real Life One.

I struggled with sharing these pictures/munched screens because it almost felt like I was airing someone else's dirty laundry in public. But then again, she must have tweeted all these because she was desperate to save lives and further prevent the mishap especially from unsuspecting victims. It was about a week ago I saw the very unfortunate story on Twitter, I knew I would definitely want people to see this and learn from it, yet I wasn't sure if I had the right to, so I munched them and later decided to share them here. The young South African woman was deliberately infected with HIV by her boyfriend. Even worse, he always knew he had the virus...why don't you read the tweets yourself...

A Maddening World...A.K.A My Country.

The Northerners are insanely killing each other. The Southerners swear it's a conspiracy against their precious President who, of course is also a Southerners. the Easterners are just concerned about when one of their own will finally rule the country. the Westerners are just grateful all the craziness hasn't reached the west. it's a maddening world. But alas, it's also my country. What a mess.

Sign The Petition. #BringBackOurGirls

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Of course the madness that is going on in Northern Nigeria is no longer news. If you are like me, then the most frustrating part of the situation is the helplessness. I am so angry, yet so helpless. The most recent one is the situation in Chibok where some girls were kidnapped. It's so disturbing that we can't even agree on the amount of girls that were taken. We are talking of human beings not cockroaches or ants. And just like that, they disappeared. It actually isn't the most recent situation. But at least, there is hope that the girls are still alive. And they haven't been blown into million pieces. Pictures are everywhere on the cyberspace now and there even is a hashtag about it on Twitter; #Bringbackourgirls. To be very honest, I am not sure if those 'tweets' and pictures will work. But then again, I strongly believe all hands should be on deck. Lend your voice in any way that you can.

So when I got an email to help win a petition by asking my friends to sign. I thought, why not? So, dear friends, will you sign it too? It really will not take long. After you sign, you should also get an email asking you to share the petition. Maybe we can help after all? SO, let's spread the word. One signature at a time.

Here is the link to SIGN THE PETITION.