On Loss, Strife, Being the First, and Loss Again...

I recently had laptop issues (is it me or I seem to have those a lot?) and lost lots of the data on my computer since they had to reset it. I was so devastated. So devastated. Then I remembered some of my worst moments this past year and realized I would rather lose my files every single day than have even just 10% of those happen to me. In other words, it could be worse. Perspective.

I'm still sad though. I had some badass headshots that I was saving for future use. Kids, seize the day, put little trust in tomorrow.

I just recently saw this interview of Will Smith by Trevor Noah.  Trevor Noah is a masterful human when he interviews: empathy, objectivity, love, compassion are all emotions he is very adept at displaying.

I know the whole world has weighed in on the Will Smith versus Chris Rock saga so no one needs my thoughts. And yet, I will give it anyway. I especially feel qualified to give these thoughts because prior to this saga, I was completely indifferent about both men.  Believe it or not, I just had no opinion on either of them. Whereas most people expressing their opinions on this have been biased either because they LOVE Will Smith or because they HATE Chris Rock. And so a lot of it has been unbalanced, without nuance, or just outrightly mean spirited.

I will make sure my thoughts are none of these.

It is so sad that Will Smith gets to be defined by this one thing. We really all make mistakes, and we should be allowed to grow from our mistakes. Especially for someone who tries so hard to better himself, and to be introspective, and to be remorseful. The man had a lot of baggage and while it may not excuse what he did, it is not fair to evaluate what he did in vacuum. There is admittedly a lot of trauma in his life and that day he, a grown and successful man by all accounts, snapped. It's not that far-fetched that he would, given the humiliation he has had to endure these past few years. 

On the other hand, Rock, another grown and successful man, was humiliated in front of the whole world. And it seems that he may also be defined by this one humiliation too, unfortunately. Therefore, he does have a right to not want to accept Will Smith's apology. He has the right to respond how he has chosen to and to be vicious and angry in his response. Regardless of what you may think he has done in the past (made jokes to dehumanize Black women, allowed white folks use the N-word— all very crass and disgusting), I don't think the response was hitting him on such a public forum. I don't think that kind of violence is ever necessary if it can be prevented.  And fwiw, I thought the Jada Oscar's joke was a bad joke, not an offensive one. Perhaps, it's because I just didn't know Jada was suffering from alopecia.  I also only recently found out Jada slept with her son's friend who was in a vulnerable position and having to stay with them (I know, I've been under a rock lol) but that left a weird/awful feeling in me. Is that something we are just excusing? Why aren't we all so furious about that kind of abuse/impropriety? Or maybe there was already enough indignation about this and we have moved on.

Anyway, there is no winning in this fight between Smith and Rock. I wish them both well, and I'm weirdly rooting for them both. They are after all two of the biggest Black male entertainers in the world; I want them to win. 

Match Day! It was roughly two weeks ago and really beautiful to see doctors match. This doctor is the first black woman in the neurosurgery residency program at Vanderbilt. What an absolutely FANTASTIC ACHIEVEMENT! My goodness. I don't even know her and yet, I'm so proud of her. But I'm afraid that it's just the beginning, she is going to need a LOT of support. People think being the first is amazing. And usually, it is. But the battles as the "first" or the "only" are staggering. They will undermine her. They will disrespect her. They will underestimate her. They will question all her achievements. And she will have to deal. Because if she so much as lets up, if she quits, they will merely use it to confirm their bias against Black women: that we are not good enough. Poor thing. 

I didn't mean to be so defeatist in the last paragraph but y'all, let's be real. 

My birthday was three weeks ago. It was the ideal birthday. I did nothing. Birthdays are still a big deal to me and yes, if you didn't wish me a Happy Birthday and I know you, you're on my red list. Sorry. I'm that petty. I also do not have time for bullshit anymore. Too many people are badly behaved and I ain't gat time for that. The previous sentences are wild cos I legit don't know anyone who didn't wish me a Happy Birthday LOL; everyone was exceptionally kind to me and wished me well on my birthday. It really was a good birthday.  But that's the allure of negativity; we somehow ignore all that's good and squarely focus on what's bad. My friend almost always has a photoshoot for her birthday and I think I need to adopt that. I want to celebrate myself more but I also have to be careful: I loathe vanity and narcissism. A balance is needed for sure.

We are going to end this  as we began, on loss. Loss of love, of identity, of money, of material things, of opportunities, of dreams, of knowledge, of possibilities. Each is valid and each can sting. Oh it stings. The only thing I know is it will get better. And God restores. 

Love, and some restoration,



  1. I just discovered your blog today because I was on the hunt for Nigerian Whole30 experiences. In the middle of my 3rd or 4th one.

    I absolutely love how you write and can't wait to read through all your posts.

    1. This is so exciting to see! Thank you for your kinds words and it's so lovely to have you here. Know you're always, always welcome here. See you around :-)